my seven year itch

"I know that I want to concentrate more on my inside-pretty than my outside-pretty, because that's gonna go away. But if your inside is beautiful, it never wears away. The light always shows on the outside if you are striving to be good inside." --Erykah Badu

2011-01-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

I've been away for awhile. Going through some change as I've written about before.

Where to begin? We should just start at the root of it all, or what I believe it to be. Something is holding me back personally. It has nothing to do with my professional life and everything to do with my personal view of me.

The ironic part of it all is that I have such a bright and amazing future ahead of me. I can see it, touch it. It is promising... but I cannot shake certain memories of my past.

Last night there was nothing on TV, so as I flipped the channels I ended up on an episode of Animal Hoarders. Heartbreaking as it was to watch, I started to piece together what it was that caused them to start the obsessive compulsive behavior in the first place.

All of them had suffered a loss. Whether it was the death of their mother, or the daily wasting away of their alcoholic father; each of them lost something they loved. As a result they became deeply attached animals as their only way of having an object to cling to.

Animals depend on you. They rarely leave you. They love you unconditionally. When no one else is there, they are.

Read between the lines people. I'm not an animal hoarder, but I can identify with their loss their want for unconditional love and the need to want something there.

Deep down inside me, there is one thing that I have held on to for years. While it's obviously not comfortable, fashionable, healthy or reasonable-- I've had an ongoing issue with my self esteem. Not my public persona, but my private one.

Alright. Now I know what you're thinking.

This is not about being down on myself, but rather thinking about how I get over it.

How do I get this cloak off of me that hides me from being hurt? Instead of hoarding animals or things (that other hoarders show...) I hide myself under my weight, my look... anything that focuses on my outside. There, I said it aloud.

It's been years since I said that openly repeated that or thought about it.

See, I remember the day that the words "I'm worth it..." came out of my mouth. It got me in trouble. Being over confident causes false courage. My lack of being anything less than humble ruined my life, and caused me so much grief that I decided that I never wanted to have anyone's attention for the wrong reasons again. I didn't want to be "outside pretty". I wanted to avoid the pain.

Instead, I focused on my "inside pretty". Trust me, sometimes that was even ugly. Yet, I figured I could be a good person and just hide in my fat suit.

Well, honestly- it's not only getting a little heavy, but worse for wear. At this point, there needs to be a catalyst to pull it off of me.

What it really comes down to is comfort. Living in some form of the past is comfortable. It means you dont have to change even though everything else around you is. You can safely hide in your own ignorant bliss.

But, as I become older... as my life becomes less complicated, more enjoyable and all the things I've placed the additional focus on come to fruition- I'm faced with the realization that my personal life is what I have left to fix, now I need to get off my ass to fix it.

“You cannot choose your calling. Your calling chooses you” -Og Mandino

2010-11-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

At the present, there is a lot on my mind.

If I didn’t know better, I would say that things are going exactly to plan. Honestly, that makes me a little nervous.

Change is great. It’s needed. It ensures you can have a new challenge or create a new you. Change is the Phoenix that rises.

Change also makes you uncomfortable. It makes you question yourself. Not in what you know and what you are confident in, but what you are actually doing and what you’re hiding behind.

Yes. I said hiding.

I know what I’m hiding behind. Those who know me personally know exactly what I’m talking about. While I’m not sure whether or not I will ever actually verbally admit it, I am sure that it’s staring me right in the face.

I hide behind it all the time. It’s the reason why I may never really find love. It’s the reason why I may never have the confidence to take that risk. It’s my very own safety blanket.

Here’s the kicker though.

When something is meant to be, it shows up. And no matter how ill prepared you are, you cannot make enough excuses to tell it to go away.

You can try to avoid it. You can attempt to ignore it. But when it shows up, it shows up. It’s called your calling. And it will reoccur until you do something about it.
About five different times in my life have some extraordinary things occurred that forced me to wake up. Every experience has been ignited by drastic change that I enacted on purpose. And the event or “calling” has been the tsunami that comes along with the move.

Interestingly enough, I have dodged every bullet. I ignored the request. I’ve made excuses as to why. But now, maybe it has to do with my age or something…I can’t avoid this anymore.

Whether you like it or not, whatever is meant for you is bound to make its way into your life.

October 26th is my Thirty-Fourth Birthday.

2010-10-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

I have this thing about birthdays. They are always such an emotional time for me. I take my time analyzing what went right and wrong. Frankly, they become a bit overwhelming for me altogether.

Age Twenty-Five was a milestone. But it wasn’t until Twenty-Six that I felt real responsibility. Between a relationship, supporting me, my family and anyone else that claimed they needed it. I took on too much.

At Twenty-Seven, the only man who I have ever respected and admired passed away (my grandfather).

At Twenty-Eight, I met the man who is now my ex-husband.

At Twenty-Nine, I was excited about starting my own family and what my thirties would bring.

At Thirty, I buried my mother at the age of Fifty-Five.

At Thirty-One I was married and at Thirty-Two I had filed for divorce.

They call Thirty-Three the “Jesus Year”.

It is called the “Jesus Year”, due to the on purpose nature of things accomplished in this time. There weren’t carelessness to his acts. He was full of knowledge, wisdom and preparation. He knew how to act appropriately when needed, he used the right language to be effective. He showed restraint as necessary, only because he was intent on walking the path he had before him.He had faith. There was purpose in all he was doing.

The start of my Thirty-Third year was miserable. I was alone. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be somewhere else or someone else. All I could crave was change. Some would say I had little faith. As I look back, I was meant to be alone. I was meant to reflect on who I was. This was time to make connections with people who will become even more important than you could imagine. It was time to reconnect with people you never expected to see again in this lifetime. Rejection was part of my learnings; confusion too. Every part of it was necessary, and the anxiety that came from it. Heartbreak was on purpose, because it was meant to teach me what I really want, and not to settle for what was good for now. It proved to me what I had inside me all along, and to stop second guessing myself. I met the person I was supposed to be all along and it felt good. I met ME.

If someone would have told me a year ago that there was light at the end of the tunnel, I would have laughed at them. Who were they kidding? It wouldn’t have even mattered if they had said they saw it with their own eyes. And you know what, I was never going to see that light until I got out of my own way and removed all of those obstacles that stop you from being happy.

Because— you are more vulnerable when you’re happy. You’re also more willing to take risks. You’re more willing to get your life back.

And I guess thats it isn’t it?

Every now and again its good to get a kick in the ass (even if it’s for an entire year) to remind you that you’re worth it.

Happy Thirty-Fourth Birthday to ME.

I'm Writing Again.

2010-10-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

The Heart of My Life

I started looking around and noticed that I had left quite a few things untouched on...http://tumblr.com/xjsls4ulp

Ok- I'm back.

2010-09-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

I've realized that while the new blog gives you an insight to my mind and thoughts- it doesn't quite allow me to really pour my guts out like this does. Crazy right?

However, I did take a stab at it yesterday. Now, I would like to share it with you here. Just click the link and get transported to the site.

I promise I will update more. Until then, enjoy this.

A lot can happen in one year. http://bit.ly/a8LX8I

You Cannot Save Everyone

2010-08-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

If there is anything that I've learned in the last month, its this; You can't save everyone.

Even if I'm not even sure if I *WANT* to save anyone, there is bit of remorse when you think you could have told them about the big Mack Truck coming their way.

Some may say that you learn through experience. I would say that's true. The things that make me wise today can be directly attributed to my mistakes.

But why suffer if you don't have to?

I'm not trying to "Silver Spoon" folks, but after awhile-- you just need a break. You begin to wonder if there is such a thing as good fortune. Maybe if things go well enough you will buy a Lotto ticket!

About ten years ago, I met someone who was willing to show me how to save myself. Guess the saying "Teach a man to fish and never will he go hungry..." could apply here.

He showed me the ropes, warning signs and mainly just provided hope. Hope that the string of bad luck would end. Hope that the days would get easier. Hope that it was within myself to save ME.

After all-- You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.

** Everyone: This will be my last post on this blog, as I will be integrating this site and another site together. On my Tumblr blog, I will continue to write, and as an added benefit, you can see the life inside my head.

To go to this site, please click here-- Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Good night! **

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” --Maya Angelou

2010-08-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've come to the understanding of why people need other people. Sounds so weird, I know-- but bear with me. It has never been a luxury for me to have a lot of family. From my previous posts, you probably understand my situation. If not, then read this post to catch up, and the rest of this will make sense.

This past week was a funeral for my Uncle (my Grandpa's brother), who had to have been like ninety-something. Anyhow, with me being the last of the family line-- there is an expectation that I will attend any funeral-wedding-baptism-birthday party of the living Aunts/Uncles, etc. I wish that it could be so easy, but alas- it never really is.

Though I didn't attend the funeral, but sent flowers instead. It always kills me because I'm the last of that family tree-- alone. Period.

"Miss, how would you like us to sign the card?--Your name only?"

I never do that-- instead I sign posthumously under my Grandpa's name. Its impossible to bear the idea of being solo. So, I place myself in the company of all the family that once there was.

Most people when they feel lost WANT to be close to family and home. My issue with that is who and where is my home? Who are the people who are my family? Then I started thinking again.

When things got tough the choice to move close to my friends was an easy one; I needed them. Recalling each instance over the last umpteen years, revealed where my patterns were.

Safe; was what I was looking for. I've lived my life so unsafe-like that any stability found was golden. My friends were always surrogates for the family I never had. And still today, as I near my thirty-fourth birthday, I'm still looking for "safe".

The definition of safe is as follows:

Safe

Free from harm, injury, or risk; untouched or unthreatened by danger or injury; unharmed; unhurt; secure; whole; as, safe from disease; safe from storms; safe from foes.

Conferring safety; securing from harm; not exposing to danger; confining securely; to be relied upon; not dangerous; as, a safe harbor; a safe bridge, etc.

Incapable of doing harm; no longer dangerous; in secure care or custody; as, the prisoner is safe.

A place for keeping things in safety.

A strong and fireproof receptacle (as a movable chest of steel, etc., or a closet or vault of brickwork) for containing money, valuable papers, or the like.

A ventilated or refrigerated chest or closet for securing provisions from noxious animals or insects.

To render safe; to make right.

You can't buy safety, in case you didn't know that. Sure you can buy a gun or maybe take martial arts to protect you, but no amount of training or ammunition can make you safe. Safe is something one needs to find within one's self.

Wish me luck with that.

Men

2010-07-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me when grown men start the exploration of the female species in search of a relationship.

It's rather endearing to watch you change your tone of voice, your inflections in speech, watch how you dress differently and mind your mannerisms. Sometimes, it's in such vast contrast that it becomes shocking and alluring all at the same time.

Now here's where you really get interesting. It's when you want to have a "conversation". Most men I know have little conversation. It's not that they don't talk, they just don't talk THAT MUCH. But, it's ok-- because it's all part of the exploration. You're appealing to a woman's ears, which connect to her heart. I can appreciate that.

Four hours later, after maybe a plate of this or that, a cocktail or two-- the conversation ends.

"Shall we do this again?"- you ask... which must mean you have some level of interest, otherwise why keep talking right?

The next meeting is more for show. You have deciphered the female, you now know what it is you want to show her. You go into "Peacock Mode"- and even bring out the heavy artillery. Cigars. Twelve-Year Old Whiskey. Old stories or photos that show how you once were. Your Perfectly Pressed Dress Shirt-- all in the name of showing her that you listened all along and here you were in the flesh.

Here's the problem.

She liked you anyway. All of that never really mattered. And in the next four hours that commence, you begin to wonder if you made a mistake. She is far deeper than you imagined, and even all the cigar smoke, whiskey, pictures and starch can't quite cut it.

This time as the conversation gets deeper, you may begin to understand what she is really saying. If you didn't, here's some help.

All the accessories weren't required. If she invested the time, you're worth it.

You didn't need to smoke that cigar, or drink the whiskey.

You're investment of the first four hours were plenty.

She liked you when you were having all that conversation, when you were your true self and appreciated her the same.

You finish the night and part ways. "We will see each other very soon...", you say.

Even after all that, the ball is in your court.

She is still waiting for you to call, and even when you don't call then-- she might still be waiting after all those years.

Trust your "Hunter Mode" fellas... You had her at hello.

The Simple Life

2010-07-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

This past Thursday, I returned back from my travels with a renewed sense of what I had to accomplish in the next few months.

It was good to get away for a bit- quick, and never with its share of drama. Every time I go away it only reinforces the feelings that were there before regarding my move and life changes.

The thing about this time is that in my readiness for the future- I want to go to the most minimal stage. Like, bare bones, just what I need, no bells or whistles-- just the basics.

I'm planning for my friends to assist me in selling my designer purses. All of my clothes will be sold or given to charity. My televisions, and other misc. items can be sold or given away. I really just want my bed-- and maybe my wine fridge.

Seven or so years ago- I had little belongings. Maybe an old couch that someone had left with me, and a bed, which was bought for a mere $100. I hadn't a pot, coffee maker, or really anything home-like to my name. My feeling was that if I ever needed to move onward, that I was mobile enough to get up and go.

When I started buying things was when I believed my life was beginning. What kind of thought was that? Metaphorically, by looking at the lack thereof, couldn't anyone see that I hadn't even focused on me and my own life? By some stretch of the imagination, my life was still in boxes! Perhaps I was just waiting for life to find me.

The "cleansing" period that I am in feels like layers of whatever I had believed to be important before are finally being released in their toxicity. Not only ridding myself of unnecessary things, but starting new. I'm not afraid of it, rather I relish in it. I want it to happen. I feel like all of these "things" that were made important because you needed them to prove you had a "life" was just another way to spend my money to prove what? That I had something? But where was I? It's like there was a party and I wasn't invited.

Monday, on a phone call to my best friend- we talked about a metamorphosis. Indeed this next nine months will be just that. I've never been much into butterflies- or their symbolism, but perhaps that idea is appropriate for now. I want to shed everything. Clean-- just be clean of it all. I want to start over.

Yet, we must remember that life is not with it's sense of irony, and it's when we make a decision that we have to fight for what we want.

When I visited my doctor this week- I asked her if she could prescribe that. She said she could prescribe something else at a higher dosage-- should of taken her up on that.

Here's to a simpler life.

Living Like You Knew You Were Dying

2010-07-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a good topic doesn't it? It absolutely is, and frankly has pushed me into thinking about "five year type" planning again.

The conversation started simply-- a question my friend posed to me as we walked around Union Square in NYC.

If you knew when you were dying what would you do differently?

The question can easily turn into things like timing. So what if you knew you only had until forty-five? Then what choices would you have made? Would you have married "X" vs "Y"? Would you have told that one special person you loved them? Would you have had more children? Maybe taken that skydive out of that plane?

This topic is not in it's morbidity-- I mean timing is not infinite and we always talk about "Carpe Diem". But do we really "seize the day" and live with the same amount of vigor we had a children when we wished that we would get older and wiser-- when we wished we could drink a beer, light a cigarette or buy porn faster.

Now imagine if you will, me sitting here in NY- humid as ever and drinking an ice cold Anchor Steam beer. It's heaven let me tell you. Today had a breeze, but no doubt was still hot and moist. And after making a quick stop at a book store to refresh ourselves- the question remained in my mind as we rode back on the subway to this apartment. Perhaps if I lived life like I was dying at thirty-five, then what more would I be compelled to do- or would that nagging little voice in my head tell me to be careful or otherwise... something "might" happen.

The thing is- you never know until you try.

From time to time I think about my twenties--fearless was my perception. Naive- probably the perception of others. But I had moxie. I had drive. Where did it go-- and now that I've given myself until thirty-five, will it provide me with the kick in the ass to get me moving along?

Now I'm in the planning stages. I'll keep you posted. The biggest fear I have is losing what I am accustomed to today. But if I'm not really living to my fullest, does it really matter anyway?

Now, for those of you who do read my thoughts regularly-- this would seem to be a contradiction of my previous post called "Turning Point". I reference not having a plan or rather having a plan that makes sense for me. I still believe that point applies today, only if you enact on it. Nothing will move forward without some sort of inertia.

And lastly, is this quote to chew on. Thought it would be appropriate given the topic--

“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”

—	Susan Sontag

2010-07-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

"A Tree fallen and no one heard" -- BF
--in response to the lack of immediate family and being alone

On The Verge of A Binge

2010-06-28T17:51:00.001-07:00

It came to me this afternoon, as I was thinking about the catalyst for why binges happen.

It probably doesn't help that I feel like I'm headed for a binge myself.

In a conversation today, I described my mood as this:

“I’m a bit emo with a touch of anxious and a sprinkle of regret."

You see, yesterday someone picked off a scab of mine that I had worked very hard for the last few months to heal.

They had no idea they were doing this. Frankly, neither did I as it began to happen. It was a simple conversation about something that didn't go as planned (my way), and instead went the way of another. This apparently shocked the individual and they felt like they needed to tell me again.

While I believe their intentions were well meaning--as they continued to tell me how sorry they were, I couldn't help but feeling like there was a deep rooted anger that hadn't been dealt with yet.

I'm thirty-three years old. When I was twenty-seven, I was really going somewhere, doing things-- and then I met my ex-husband. I should have just focused on me more than finding a mate.

At seventeen, I received a full ride scholarship in music to a university in Vancouver, and attended for one semester-- my mother wanted me home to do the things she never wanted to do and I obliged. I should have focused on my dreams instead of taking care of things my mother didn't want to dirty her hands with.

Each time as some major event happened to change the later course of events, a binge came on. Sometimes it was food, cigarettes, liquor or even drugs. It was my way of dealing with disappointment in myself. The unfortunate choices that I had made that left me in an uncomfortable predicament. While the short term feeling was gratifying, there was always regret that soon after followed as the repercussion of my actions became apparent.

So why am I being so hard on myself? Well at this point, with my current surroundings (me being alone to my own devices that is...) there is a small pool of options that are available to me today. In my quest for "What's Next?", I have to think about changing my lifestyle. Where to live, what to do, how to manage? Am I really at the point to give up my possessions to gain freedom, even though I've worked very hard for all I currently have.

I suppose the question to that statement is, what do I have?

Some would say you have as much as you're willing to give. I'm willing to give everything, if someone can just guarantee that my disappointment won't get in the way.

Because at this very moment, I feel a binge coming on.

A Few Things I Can Live Without

2010-06-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, someone had asked me a little about my family, my most recent aspirations and dreams.

It's funny because the normal answer to all of those questions as "small talk" tends to be something like-- "Oh yeah, my family is close by... we see each other every holiday. I go over on Sundays, my mom makes me dinner."

That is SO FAR from my truth. Here is an example of what my conversation usually looks like.

Them: "So do you have any family close by?"

Me: "Umm... No. In fact, I have no family- just me."

Them: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Well, I'm an only child-- and my mom passed away three years ago."

Them: "Oh wow, I'm sorry- do you have children, husband?"

Me: "Not exactly. I got rid of my husband, and children just aren't my cup of tea."

**Insert anxiety here**

Them: "Oh, that's too bad. You're not lonely are you?"

GEEZUS!

No thank you! I am NOT lonely. I'd rather be alone than to be with an idiot. And kids, well-- maybe it was due to being an only child, but being around other children, seeing other children, and thinking about other children makes me search for my happy place.

What if kids just came out grown up? Like at the age of thirteen or something, hell-- Just old enough for me to sort of reason with them.

And about being with an idiot. Don't get me wrong. My ex-husband was good for a few things, one being killing bugs, another being fetching me a drink and lastly well-- I'm reaching now.

As for my family, I DO miss them. I miss my grandparents who raised me. I miss my mom because she was just crazy. It is a little weird being the last of your immediate family, so what are you left to do? You are left to make your own.

I have several "brothers", and "sisters". There are surrogate "mothers" and "fathers". They are the folks to continue to keep me sane in this craziness called life.

Overall, the life that keeps me going is filled with colorful people, activities and rarely a dull moment. It is a rare occurrence that I feel bored or lost for something to do.

However from time to time, there are moments where companionship is missed. There are moments where my thoughts linger on the thought that it could be like this for awhile-- just me, looking for something I could see myself living with.

But the idiot and the kids I can really live without.

2010-06-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

“People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.”
— SJP

Turning Point

2010-06-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in everyone's life when the history of their past hits them in the face. It's almost like people wake up, look around and wonder how the hell you ended up where you are today.

Now, I'm not just talking about the geographical location of where someone is, but the actual place that you have come to be in your life. Are you where you expected to be by now? Is your life going according to your plan?

To be honest, I hadn't really thought about all of that in a bit. I had been too preoccupied with the opportunities that were in New York and locally. My focus is on getting my divorce papers finalized. It actually feels more like the beginning of my life versus the time where I should be taking stock to see if I made it.

But just for fun, I attempted to think back to the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was Thirty-Five. For the most part, everything that was on my list had been accomplished.

After getting married, enjoying a fabulous career, living in a major city, having a host of good friends-- is there more?

YES- is the answer. But you have to remember to not give up, because Thirty-Five is not the end of your life.

There is more life in me today than there was even seven years ago (hence, the seven year itch). Things seem very clear to me when before they were not. It is certainly more calming to live and learn from life experiences, than to be young and unsure.

My wants are not the same as they were when I was twenty-one, and they shouldn't be. Instead, they are the wants of a woman who knows what SHE WANTS, who is not afraid to ask for it and believes that her self respect will make it worth waiting for.

Am I living a five or ten year plan? Not any more- but I am living a plan that makes sense to me. There is still time to see the world. Plenty of time to meet new people and forge new relationships. Actually, there is enough time to do anything that you put your mind to, period.

What is meant to come our way shall do so. It cannot be forced, manipulated or coaxed. Some might day that it's even more than the universe- but more like Karma.

If that's the case- take heed to this quote. It arrived in front of my eyes at the perfect time...

"Treat people as you would like to be treated. Karma's only a bitch if you are." --Unknown

Ha! Maybe my ex-husband stumbled across my blog and read that-- I can only hope!

Until next time- sorry for my delays in writing, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks!

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder?

2010-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting day when you finally wake up and realize your beautiful.

Maybe you have always been beautiful, but waited so long for someone to say it rather than believing it yourself.

Or, maybe you believed it but just wanted to hear the validation to know it was true.

In either case- there is just something empowering about confidence, sex appeal and the overall swagger you get from believing that you are the beauty you always wanted to be.

Time after time, women are always picking out their flaws. Their "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda's"- of things that never happened or wish they were's.

Frankly, at this point I'm just happy to wake up and be alive. I'm happiest around my friends. I still blush when flirting shamelessly with an attractive guy who knows what I'm doing. I'm excited to watch the sun rise and set. I get a thrill when I drive fast with the music blaring over the Sunol Grade. I love the thought of traveling and seeing what I haven't yet. Dammit, all of that stuff is waht makes me beautiful!

Wait, it is all of those crazy differences-- the little variables that make all of us beautiful.

So accept your curly hair, your big hips, the idiosyncracies that make you, YOU.

If you keep waiting for validation, it may just be too late.

I'm Tired

2010-05-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

Normally, I'm all go-go-go! And perhaps the reason why the writer's block I've suffered has been so debilitating is not for a lack of material- but maybe a lack of sleep?

Today is a normal day off for me. Spent the weekend going to Los Angeles, then driving back yesterday. Attended a large group dinner last night and then tonight I embark on three days in another hotel for meetings again.

This is not glamorous.

Even though I should get some stuff done- I mean, we all have the stuff list. I have no desire to do so. AT ALL. I'm all freshened up (minus make up, even make up is a chore) and want nowhere to go.

It isn't very often that I admit how tired I am, so may this be a lesson to me that I need to stop and smell the roses sometimes.

Getting a lot accomplished is always good, but never at the expense of yourself.

Writer's Block

2010-05-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone. I've had a bit of Writer's Block lately. Trust me that plenty is happening, but there is so much that I can't put into words.

I suppose you could say that I'm placing a lot of emphasis on what is in store for me next. After returning from NY, the pieces have been coming together slowly but surely. Things are presenting themselves in a pleasant way as if to say that there is still unfinished business here. I suppose there is- but it is only partially related to my career. It's related to me, and how I value myself more than ever before.

But, just to keep you updated- here is a small update or "list" of what's been happening lately...

Reno
I'm a Mac, he's a PC
Yankees in the Rain
Blue Moon
Music and Photography
Maker's Mark
St. Dominic's -San Francisco
Marc Jacobs
San Diego
Tuesday Afternoon
Equal

Trust me- this is all too soon to speak of now, but all of these things will piece together to create a wonderful story for you soon. Just need to get over my block, and I'll be back at it again.

In the meantime, please enjoy a few photos from a recent Art Party to benefit the local artists of the Bay Area. An amazing event that makes me want to attend more or sponsor them myself...

What's going on?

2010-04-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

Holy Smokes! It's been a week since I've filled you all in on what's been happening.

New York was amazing. It always is, and each time I go back I fall in love with it more and more. Plenty of memorable experiences had in a very short amount of time. Even drove a car in Manhattan- yes, I'm crazy.

While the real purpose of the trip did not turn out the way I might have wanted it to, it did provide me with a lot of context. So much in fact, that I have a few things to consider in the next few months.

As I got back into San Francisco, the weather was horrible and it matched my mood. I needed to refocus on what's going to happen next.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you have felt like you have unlimited options? That's the point in time I'm facing currently. I've been shackled by my family, my ex-husband and other "things" that I assumed had held me back previously. Now, there is really nothing that can get me down. I'm not sure where or what I'm going to be doing in ninety days, or tomorrow- but trust me when I tell you that you will be one to know!

Now, some things that I learned while in NY:

NY focuses more on intelligence, while LA focuses on appearance.
Men in NY love the backside (AKA as a woman's ass... No problem there!).
A window front with a red neon sign that reads "Psychic" isn't always a Psychic.
Do not order a Chai Tea Latte in NY. Stick to coffee.
Driving in NY is not as bad as it looks, just go with the flow of traffic and react fast. You'll be fine.
I could get lost on a long drive down the West Side Highway
Beware of the Holland Tunnel (Hello New Jersey!).
Central Park is romantic. There I said it. I'm not such a non-romantic person after all.
ALWAYS have a Plan B. You never know when you need it.

Moving on...

The week has been rather uneventful otherwise, with the exception of my ex-husband who insisted that I send him a box of his belongings before he signs my divorce papers. Well I'm going to do better than that! I'm going to take all of his goodies back to LA! When I mentioned this, he seemed to brush the idea of it off. Wonder what he'll do when his mother has the key to the storage unit. According to my predictions. I should be divorced by July.

Next, let's talk sex and orgasms.

Whoa-- right? Yes, I said it. Let's talk about it.

This afternoon I was drinking a cup of coffee, and overhearing some witty banter on the television somewhere between Meet the Press, The Real Housewives of NY, Face the Nation and the Millionaire Matchmaker. The premise of the banter had something to do with relationships. I tuned in one ear to it, and the other ear to the music I was listening to.

Did I also mention that I was simultaneously downloading a hard drive for a friend of mine before he takes a long trip too? Geezus- I was working on like 10 things!

Anyway, somewhere in all of that banter was one of the wisest deductions that I'd heard in a bit. Ready for it? Ok, here we go....

"Once you have one good orgasm with a man, whether he be the right or wrong one for a relationship, you're fucked; figuratively and literally."

I took this bit of wisdom and sent it to my closest female friends who responded to like this:

"Now that is some funny shit!"

"All I can say is you're ABSOLUTELY right..."

"No wonder I'm a mess..."

"Tell me something I don't know"

Now, is it a surprise when I say that you can have sex with someone and not be attached? It just has to be BAD sex.

Bad sex is usually a reason to not have an orgasm. Better yet, it's the best reason women do not become attached to men.

So in my assessment, I started thinking. I've had good sex, bad sex and OMG sex. I can count on my hands with whom I've had mind blowing orgasms with- and it was all with OMG sex-- and yes, I was fucked literally and figuratively.

(And for the sake of this blog, the number I can count is less than 10% of the sex I've had. Yes, I said that too.)

That got me to thinking, so what if you took the time to contact one of the guys who you shared the OMG moment with? What if you just said, "Hey, remember that time? Yeah, so I just want you to know that you were the producer of one of the most mind blowing orgasms I've ever had. Here's a medal and a thank you note..."

HA! That's crazy! I'm totally losing it! But seriously, what *IF* you took a minute to say thanks, especially if you don't talk regularly anymore OR if you do, maybe they never had an idea.

So, I reached out to five of my closest male friends and asked them what they would think if a woman came to them with this information. These friends were in age range of 25 to 45 years old.

I was sorta shocked by the responses, but I'll explain why at the end.

Here's some of the goods:

"I'm gonna plead the fifth on this one..."

"I would call her a liar, unless she was 16..."

"Knowing that no matter what I stand out is a confidence boost. It means I have a shot of being in the game, if you know what I mean..."

"How fucking lucky am I?

"Does she want a relationship?"

Good lord, seriously? Men, do you get it? A WOMAN who you all assume to know how to PLAY is giving you a COMPLIMENT on how you made her toes CURL and all you can do is QUESTION HER MOTIVES?

I had to reach deep for this one folks, no lie. I went back to these guys, who I all love dearly, and re-ask the question just so they understood why it was so important to a woman when they have an orgasm.

Sure, men have it all the time. They have to-- or else its not over for them. I've actually had one guy who asked me why I didn't (ok, ok, TMI-- but in comparison to ulterior motives, he was genuinely interested...).

Once explained, the men I polled got it. They were the MAN, literally.

It's not very often that women even acknowledge openly when a man has given her the big "O". Think about the movie When Harry met Sally, and Meg Ryan in the coffee shop reenacting her "YES, YES.." scene. The person next to her says, "I'll have what she's having...", because we all want the big "O". Women fake it too often because their partners don't know how to get it done. Men assume it's always been fake-- so what happens when it really isn't fake anymore, but a reality. Well, you've got yourself some stunned fellas, let me tell you.

I mentioned to a friend that maybe I should write those guys a letter and send them a medal just so they know that they were the men who did it for me. He said, "Lucky Guys..." Really? Were they lucky, or was I the lucky one?

Eventually, for those I maintain contact with-- I will let them know. It's a boost to the ego, just like a woman loves to hear they're the best lover a man has ever had.

Now, I need to start designing that medal....

Live from the Big Apple...

2010-04-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to New York.

You landed @ 6:54am EDT, which is near 4:00am PDT.

Your friend, who asked you to spend the day shopping with him (and knew you would be arriving early) is not answering either of his phones, or his door when you ring the buzzer.

You have to think fast, as the cab waits. Thank God the meter is fixed since you're coming from the airport. You decide to head to Midtown and find a hotel, quick.

After you check in your bags and lie telling them you are staying there later, you find your new writing space. A scarcely filled Starbucks with about 2 hours of Wi-Fi that is free, then you need to figure out another plan.

One thing about Manhattan, is you need to think fast. Really fast.

Now it's 8:21am EDT or 5:21am PDT. The baristas have already been warned that this will become my command center for the meantime.

Once my time is up, maybe breakfast? Although I could really use a nap.

So- what else is on the agenda. I guess that all depends on whether or not my friend wakes up from his alcohol induced coma (maybe I shouldn't assume?). Otherwise, it's game on for my adventures in a rental with my GPS, and iPod in tow.

As we were landing, I took a couple of shots of the clouds as we landed. It takes this to realize that you are truly in a world bigger than yourself sometimes.

Today will require me finishing my planning for tomorrow. One in the afternoon is my date with destiny and then Yours Truly will need a DRINK. I've been waiting to really let loose until after all of these meetings were done and over with. Tomorrow, it's on. My stress levels are out of control. All that will be needed to put me at ease is an answer.

And, there's a very special surprise for Monday too. YAY! That will definitely make my evening.

No matter what the outcome is, there will always be the reminder that we went this far because of the actions put in place- and the universe just carried them on. Doors opened because they were supposed to. People connected because they should have. Emotions were displayed because it was time. There is no better reason for things to happen, only because they were meant to.

Since I am having one of those Carrie in SATC moments, this quote came up rather appropriately...

“Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine”-- SJP

Until next time.

It's one or the other.

2010-04-17T19:05:00.001-07:00

Tonight I'm off to NYC.

This is the last leg of the "What are you going to do Next?" tour.

On my mind... at 00:29

2010-04-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

Intellectual Men
Guiness & Chambord
Cigars- Drew Estates, "Java" to be exact.
Osaka, Japan
Passport
Journaling
Luggage
Roulette
Simple vs. Complex
To ask or not to ask?
If "Plan A" doesn't pan out- then "Plan B" means...
Nicknames
Daniel, John, Mark- my new musical obsessions...
London and Paris in September.
The things I've learned this year.

Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

2010-04-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning and assume that every day will be a good day. I'm not sure if this is just a learned behavior over the last thirty or so years of my life-- but I rarely wake up feeling like the day is against me from the start.

However, my cheery attitude as of late is being tested, as each and every day is another obstacle. Nothing that can't be handled, but you have to wonder why you deal with some of it at all.

I found this tonight:

“Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up.”-Unknown

The petty stuff is one thing, but the real stuff- the stuff you shake your head at and say "Why? No really, Why??" is what doesn't make sense. For instance today's text message that a young man that I work with, twenty-two years old has suffered an aneurysm.

Twenty- Two. No one is immortal.

And those are the instances in life where I just want to scream at the sky and ask "Why???". Why is this happening to someone who has so much life to live?

I am not a religious person- although some might disagree with me because of a recent post titled, "Rest in Peace" where I quote a prayer often used in Catholic burials. Yes, I was raised Catholic. I went to church every Sunday until I was seventeen. I have also heard that particular prayer more times than I can count.

Today I do not attend mass nearly as frequently. I have a laundry list of "sins" that would surely forbid me from participating in church activities. Regardless of all that, I still find myself drawn to church to find my center.

This post is not intended to be about religion- but about the "Why".

Why do things happen to good people?

How does one thing make sense when something else doesn't?

Sometimes, I just go to church to find resolution to my unanswered questions about life. It's a quiet place when my world is too chaotic. It allows me to have a one on one session with ME in order to sort out the animosity I could begin to feel if I didn't take a moment to sort recent events to a conclusion.

The recent instance I mentioned here about that young man, and other instances of life that have rang true over the last four weeks have FRIED me mentally.

I cannot remember another time where this many intense occurrences have happened at once.

The best advice I ever received was from my Grandma who always referred to her heart as her best intuition as to why things happen. Not much may make sense at the time, but if the issue can be resolved in your heart- then the reasons behind in may show themselves with clarity.

Which leads me to a favorite quote- which my Grandma had hung in our kitchen.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -Reinhold Niebuhr

My thoughts are with the family of J.P. at this time. It may not make sense now, but someday may it be resolved in your heart.

Good night.

2010-04-04T23:45:00.001-07:00

Hello Square One- It's Nice to See You Again.

2010-04-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone has one. The person you reminisce about when you think of love, partnership or the ideal mate. It isn't rare for you not to speak of them fondly, and some crazy circumstance usually is the reason why they got away. Let me list a few for you:

They moved
They found someone else
They were convinced by YOU that it would never happen

Ok, so while I could only think of these three instances, it didn't have to end that way. Chances are that if you would have opened your mouth a little sooner with the TRUTH, they would have been the one that STAYED.

Once a week, I meet with my "Relationship Guru". He is not a therapist. He is not a psychic. He is a simple man who throughout the course of his life has attempted to give and receive love in a multitude of ways. He can begin with a grade school girlfriend at 13 all the way to today, and relive with me every single episode, every single woman, every heartache and now how he finally accepted the love in his life.

We meet more for conversation than anything else. I find his stories fascinating- and no lie, they are generally told over beer and appetizers.

We also meet because I realize that no matter how much I believe to know about men, I am HORRIBLE at relationships. So, he's my coach.

I've shared with him all of my substantial loves from my teenage years to now- painstakingly going over what/why/where something went wrong. The funny part is that as he hears my account of it he always points out to me just where I should have "seen it".

Seen what? -- I always ask him this.

I should have seen how someone really, really liked me-- Unconditionally. But *I* made it hard.

Do you know how crazy it is to hear that? I mean all my Guru is hearing all of this in a one sided account--- And, I might be romanticizing a few things-- BUT there are always a few things he picks up on that makes him stop and say, "didn't you see that?"

Fuck.

So, as we have chronicled my love life- all the way from my first junior high crush to the very complicated state of now, we have been able to timeline each person with a label. Yes, I have run the gammet with the variety of men I've dated. And as he is quick to point out- an Equal Opportunity Partner. Good lord.

But right now, after I discussed with him one of my relationships also known as TOTGA (The One That Got Away) in 2002-ish, he is noticing the same actions coming through almost 10 years later. Do I have a pattern?

Without him, I would have never realized some of the signs that I was guilty of THEN and NOW-- not only that, but men usually send the same signs even though they have drastically different personalities.

He asked me, "Do you want to have another one that gets away?".

Seriously? How does this happen...

But why did that even happen in the first place? Why did someone get away? What did happen to make things so weird?

In the beginning, I mentioned the reasons why people leave-- the real reason is that YOU (or them, I suppose) didn't have the courage to make it work-- and by the time you found your courage it was too late.

While I'm not sure whether or not his tactical advice will work, I know that he has helped me realize that when you have something special with someone--YOU can control your very own destiny in its outcome. If you choose not to pursue something when it's there, don't expect it to still be there when you finally want it. BUT, if it TRULY means something to the both of you-- and you will see this (well, I will now...) then GO FOR IT. Don't hesitate. Fuck getting hurt. Stop waiting for the right time. Just do it.

You may have read my recent Twitter update below:

I think you need to have one relationship that you screw up in order to make you appreciate the next one that comes along.about 8 hours ago via UberTwitter
As a result of all the tutelage from my Guru, I've now realized just how many relationships have been screwed up by Yours Truly. Some weren't meant to be at all, but most-- could have been the right one that stayed.
Oh, back to square one again, but this time with a manual. Thanks Guru.

2010-04-04T22:43:00.001-07:00

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.” --SJP

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." -- Anais Nin

2010-03-30T23:22:00.001-07:00

I found that to be a profound statement, being that I can only get to the core of me when I write versus when I speak. Probably due to nervousness more than anything, or perhaps- not knowing how to put something into words, because it means that much to me.

A couple of months back, I bought a Moleskine journal to chronicle the feelings that I couldn't put into words. This purchase was on purpose, because I planned to use it as though I was creating a novel of sorts; it was all of the thoughts and ideas that I couldn't find the right time for- or the right words for-- or the right anything to say at the time I was faced to do so.

When I purchased this journal and began the writing process, it was my intention to give the finished product to the one person who I made suffer so much from my lack of communication.

It is still my plan to do so- but I don't want my words on each page to be empty of their true meaning.

Believe it or not, I have plenty of room left. Good or bad? That's still up for discussion. Perhaps there is still room because there is still more to take place. Maybe there is still room because I actually found the courage to say the words that needed to be said. Or maybe, just maybe-- I ran out of things to say, and now it's all about my actions.

I'm not at a loss for words- rather, I'm beginning to know exactly what to do with them.

The lyrics ring true- the tune takes some getting used to...

2010-03-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

A Beautiful Mess- Jason Mraz
You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I’ve been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]

We’re still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is “Yes”

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We’ll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

Complex would be a good word to describe it.

2010-03-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

I've got nothing to lose.

The guarded approach I'm taking sure as hell didn't help me in this situation. And instead of making things right, I've made them worse.

Have you ever had a friendship that was censored? I can recall only having one *once*. It was painful, exasperating and frankly too much work. I could not cut through their resentment of me.

But, if you have someone in your life that you cannot imagine living without, do you go through that pain and simply live the penance? Or do you cut your losses, and wonder how long you will miss them?

Something that happened this weekend reminded me that we are only human. We have needs, wants-- we make mistakes. We have to compensate for the things that we either can't seem to get out of one situation, or we create it at any cost to serve the crazy in our head. Although we may be older, wisdom comes from experience. If we are always trying to serve the things we wish we had or need-- wisdom simply goes out the window.

I'm in this relationship now where I know that it's worth fighting for. There is too much history to not give it my all. I hesitated last time. I lost my head because I didn't want to lose more. Now, it's put me here. It makes me sick to my stomach-- only because I'm still trying to pinpoint where it should have been fixed.

Here is the one thing I know. I have nothing to lose by giving it everything I have. There is no reason to hold back my feelings. There's no need to play possum. If it should have been said already, it will be.

And if all is still lost in the end... then... Well, I don't know about then.

I'm just tired of losing people.

The Binge

2010-03-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

Since last week, I have been on a mini-binge that needs to end.

So much for a mini-binge if it's lasted for a week right? It's a full on riot!

This week has been full of possibilities, change and aggression. My life is destined to change sooner than I've even imagined and its making me uneasy- so I'm turning to "things" for comfort.

My divorce is near final-- thankfully. Although my Ex is really not cooperating as he could, there is closure coming soon.

Events recently have caused me to become more in-touch with my intuition. My intuition is telling me I'm moving somewhere. Near or far is still the question.

My binge is consisting of all things comfortable-- mostly decadent treats and beer. Yes, I said beer. I love beer! I can't tell you how good it tastes after a long day @ work. Anyhow, I had shown so much restraint in the last 6 weeks losing 10 lbs., and now I'm just taking all of that and making a mess of it.

I understand that this binge is my way of attempting to cope with the impending issues coming my way. I'm just filling the void.

Perhaps I should look into carrying a blanket like Linus? Or maybe I should get a puppy!

This weekend, I'm taking a long drive to visit a friend. Maybe it will break the spell, but who am I kidding? Her husband is a KILLER cook.

FML.

Rest In Peace

2010-03-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

I received news today that a former employee of mine had just lost his father. His father was a heavy smoker, and had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer in the last year- taking a serious decline in the last six months to which he succumbed to the illness yesterday.

This young man is survived by his mother, his brothers and an abundance of family and friends to support him through his loss.

It wasn't that long ago that my mother died, from cancer also. She was fifty-five years old.

My mother had always suffered from some ailment since my childhood. Whether it was fibroid tumors, issues with her sinuses causing migraines, skin allergies, colitis, IBS or something there of-- one may have believed that she was a hypochondriac. That title may have held true to a number of doctors as she became ill with the cancer that consumed her body and went undetected until she passed in 2007.

I got the call on December 18, 2006 that she was in the Emergency Room. Her good friend had called first and left a voice mail. This was not an unusual occurrence, because from time to time she would call me and leave a message to "call your mother". The message was clear. She had bronchitis, it had become worse- she's in Emergency and we will call you later.

Later was 6:30pm that same day. This time my cousin made the call. Her lung had collapsed. She needed to have the fluid drained from her lungs. She was going to be there overnight, and under observation through the next 24 hours. You need to get here now.

My mother and I had a very strange relationship. I am an only child, born as the last of five pregnancies to my mother and father from 1970 to 1976. My mother had suffered from 2 stillbirths and 2 miscarriages before she became pregnant with me. It truly was a miracle that I served full term and was born healthy. She used to tell me about how her pregnancy with me was so different because of my movements, her cravings, the calmness she felt- and lastly, when she knew I was ready to make my appearance, even three weeks before my due date. I just wanted out.

My mother and father separated three weeks after I was born. My father, probably after believing that my mother could never bear him a child had become a womanizer. He had an affair while my mother was pregnant with me, and as my mother came home early from work one day- my father and his mistress were found in the house. My father, being surprised did what any irrational, guilty man would do and went to work on my mother- beating her to an unrecognizable point-- leaving her in her own blood in the living room. He left the door open; the neighbor was the one who found me screaming in my crib and my mother in a pool of blood in the living room.

We lived with my Grandma and Grandpa since I could remember. I never met my father. I never cared to. Although I knew he would pursue my mother for an opportunity to see me, or come to my Grandpa's house unannounced (where my Grandpa had no problem telling him to F@%K off and show him his gun)- there was never an attempt by him to be a father. I understand that he has a family, rather close by- and I have half brothers and sisters (one six months younger than me, a girl). It's was my experience that my family was just me, my mother, Grandma and Grandpa- and my Uncle who was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was six months old.

Anyhow, my mother who was twenty-five when she had me seemed to go through her own midlife crisis after her divorce. She went on her own accord, and left me with my Grandparents. In hindsight, this was the best option because of the nature of her sorted life as she continued to determine who she was. She ended up remarrying my stepfather when I was eight and moved to the high desert.

While I can clearly remember the times in my childhood when I would wake up missing her, or wondering why she had left me-- I can't say enough about the love my Grandma and Grandpa gave me. They were my parents. They made me who I am today. Contrary to the only child "spoiled" syndrome, I worked for everything, while growing up faster than I had ever imagined. Everything I am is because of them.

Needless to say, my relationship with my mother was strained. After all, she had left me for a man. She was dependent on men. She needed a man to make her feel complete. (Probably the reason why I refuse to depend on one today, right? So much irony in life isn't there?) It was when I was sixteen that she came back into my life when my Grandma died. That was when our real relationship began.

My mother was in Kaiser Medical Center from December 18, 2006 until her death on January 6, 2007. She suffered a deep depression following my Grandpa's death in 2004. She had been diagnosed with IBS, which was a misdiagnosis-- or perhaps she always knew. Her cancer started in her liver, spread to her stomach and pancreas.

On December 19, 2006, my mother's other lung collapsed. They immediately rushed her into emergency surgery, and performed a biopsy on white spots that were noticed on her lungs. The entire tubing procedure and biopsy took three hours- and from that night on, my mother was on a respirator in ICU.

On December 20, 2006, it was confirmed that my mother's cancer had spread to her lungs and it was stage 4. From this point forward, it was about comfort.

Everyday I arrived at the hospital at 8am when visiting hours began, and left when they either told me I had to leave or when my mother finally fell asleep from the drugs or plain exhaustion. It was in the final nineteen days of my mother's life, in that tiny ICU room via notebooks, napkins and dry erase boards that we reconciled after all those years.

I had never seen her so vulnerable. I had never seen so many people who she loved, and loved her in return. I had never seen her be human. That was the part that I hadn't expected at all. She allowed herself to reconcile everything that had ever been good and bad in her life, because there was no use in being angry anymore.

She asked me if I would forgive her. I did. For everything- and I stayed, every night. Even the night she told me she was scared, until I couldn't anymore. I had watched The Devil Wears Prada one too many times on that tiny TV. We celebrated Christmas and New Year's in that little room- She even had presents.

On January 5th, I had planned on being there late into the night- so my cousin took the morning shift. My mom had been pretty talkative most of the day until around 7pm.

We administered last rites that evening. She made her peace with God. It was early that morning that she her soul left her body. I felt it, because that was the exact moment that I felt like an orphan. You just don't understand that feeling until you lose a parent yourself.

She was pronounced at 11am on January 6th, 2007. She was surrounded by her family, friends and those that loved her.

I would never wish on anyone the pain of losing a parent. I would never wish the pain on anyone of losing a child. It's hard enough to deal with the death of someone you love. It's another to realize you're alone.

Mom; may you rest in peace; there is not a day where I don't refer to you or miss you. Somehow, I always know what you're thinking- good and bad. And know that I love you with all my heart.

To A.L. and his family; may your father rest in peace, and know that you loved him as much as he loved you. You have just gained another angel in heaven.

"In company with Christ,
Who died and now lives,
may they rejoice in Your kingdom,
where all our tears are wiped away.
Unite us together again in one family,
to sing Your praise forever and ever. Amen."

The Truth

2010-03-09T00:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I had planned on saving this for another blog, but I figure no time like the present.

My ex lives in Central America. He went there after we separated, and has been there since 2009. We met in 2004, quickly moved in together and got married in 2007. As you can see from the short timeline, we were fast and furious with our relationship.

I hadn't spoken with him in a couple of months, so when he emailed me recently needing to talk, I was skeptical about the nature of the conversation. He has always had a flare for the dramatic, so something small can be a big deal.

Overall, the conversation was pleasant as he caught me up on his life. He let me know that he was trying to forgive everyone and everything. It seems as though he has found peace that way. In fact, after the divorce he would like to remain friends.

My ex had previously prided himself on never being friends with any "Ex", so I ask him why me. Why would he spit all of that venom at me previously and still want to be my friend?

He replied, "You're a good person. You have always been a good person, probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I just would like to keep you in my life somehow."

After that was out in the open, he decided to give me the latest update on him, and how he had chosen to commit himself to a Mental Institution because he had stopped sleeping, eating and overall living. Do I believe him? Overwhelmingly, yes. He was at a critical point months ago, and when he was served the divorce papers, it became even worse.

What really got to me tonight was how he started to play the victim, so I wouldn't let him. Instead, I reminded him of his indiscretions, his faults, how he had lied to me, and how that all contributed to the demise of our marriage. I told him I knew- about the affairs, about the acts, about his trouble with the law-- all of it. Every single word. Every single lie. Every single lack of reasoning on his part that I was aware of.

You might think after reading that, "Wow, that's pretty heavy."-- and it is. You see, this man was the one man that I believed in. The one that I didn't think would do any of that to me after being wound so tightly that my heart wouldn't even let sunlight in. Afterall, I MARRIED him right?

While I believed that honesty was the best policy, he chose to partake in deviant acts, lie about his income, taxes, past behaviors and previous marriage- all while making me feel like the smallest person in the world for not being a better wife. I was the breadwinner of the household, and really didn't feel like kissing, sucking or f@%king by the end of the day. Yes, as some would tell me- a shot to the male ego. Understandable, however- I was exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally.

My mother had lied to me my entire childhood. I was so good at deciphering those lies that she told me to "spare my feelings", when in reality she was looking out for her own interests. Maybe it was her body language or avoidance of topics as they came up, but I could always tell if someone was being honest with me or not- sort of like a sixth sense. The same patterns of behavior that I began to see in my ex after being together for a bit.

So, as our relationship progressed a couple of things happened.

One, was that I was in love with someone who I thought was him, but really wasn't.
Two, even though there were PLENTY of warning signs, I believed that if we just got married, that it would fix everything- right!?
Three, I just got to the point that I didn't trust anymore that I began to doubt myself. Was I not worthy enough to be with someone who wanted to be truthful with me?

Tonight, he opened up that third wound with a fierce intensity so great that the tears were impossible to hold back. After all, I gave myself to him. Admittedly, I don't give myself to ANYONE and here he was telling me that he wanted to forgive ME?!? I couldn't stand it. It was enough to hear his voice, and then tell him off about how he thought he was discreetly hiding his own lies, but for him to come after my heart and how I trust others-- it just sent me over the edge.

The hardest part about a breakup is rehabilitating your heart. No matter how much I hate the sound of his voice or the sight of his emails, I'm still ripped apart. He broke my heart in the worst way because I trusted him enough to let him have it. I couldn't stop the tears once they began. He opened up the dam of my emotions.

There were some beautiful things about my ex, not all bad. He acknowledged a few things tonight, that made me feel like he was human for a minute. Afterall, he said that I had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. He told me that after all this time, he will finally concede to what I want, and will give me a divorce because he loves me still. He told me that all I had to do is say the word, and he would be back to try again if I wanted to. All I could do or say were in the sounds of my tears. I remained speechless for a couple of minutes just to muster a sound to let him know I was still on the phone.

My ex was not everything, but above all things- he was just a person that got me. Yes, even though some of his acts were despicable he still found the very core of me. He got the opportunity to see me in the rawest form, which is rare. And however tempting the offer was of him coming back into my life again; no amount of money, riches or minerals could make me go back there. It was a bittersweet place in my life that I don't see myself being in ever again.

You can say that I am tightly wound again. So wound that only the tears let the pressure out. My thought as a young girl was that you would get married for love. I waited because I thought I was sure, but I failed. I failed in finding the right person to take care of my heart.

I wish that he knew the depth of what I've discovered about him. I wish he could see how fragmented my heart has become. I wish he could hear the tears that I am still crying now as I write this. And the last thing I wish for is that he leaves my life just as peaceful as it was before he came in it. I can't go back to zero, but perhaps I can start where I left off-- Tear free, head held high, hopeful for the best of whatever comes my way next.

Just tell me-- When will my heart stop aching?

To there and back again

2010-03-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

My trip took a slightly unexpected pit stop through Chicago, to visit my best friend. Chicago is one of those towns that you can never really get tired of, because there is something everywhere to surprise you.

My friend actually lives close to an hour outside of Chicago in a small town called Benton Harbor, MI. A small rural town, that closely reminds me of my own hometown. It's full of small watering holes, community pride and all of those things that would make Norman Rockwell proud.

It was good to come by here after being in Manhattan for a week. I like to think of this as a "detox", even though every place I've been has asked, "Will this be smoking or non-smoking?" It's been fifteen years since I'd heard that in California.

The part I've enjoyed about my time here is seeing the diversity of people, in someplace where most assume there is none. It's been nice to see so many facets of this small town. It's really humbling to see what people can and cannot live with out, when most of us believe that we need ALL of it, ALL the time.

And, while gasoline is still expensive, drinks are cheap! Perhaps that is the way that most people cope with things, is to drink themselves into some sort of oblivion. If I would have stayed in my small town that I grew up in, I'm not sure that I would have ever taken the opportunity to see all that the world as to offer. Today it dawned on me when I was introduced as the "World Traveler". I thought it was a funny moniker, but perhaps its somewhat true.

Way back when, I did have dreams before obligations. I had hoped my dreams would have reached fruition out of high school, but instead they've taken their sweet time to come to life which is just fine. I'm happier that I've had some time to live in a variety of situations that have led me to the now.

The assumption however that I would not be prepared or okay with being in a small farm town, a neighboorhood that is considered "lower end", or somewhere that isn't considered the top of the rung- is not the correct assumption to make. It's in those type of places that took experiences that happened (nearly evicted, a murder next to my apartment, growing up on a farm..) allow me to appreciate it now. It's always good to be in touch with your roots.

This was a good way to end a long vacation. I head back to San Francisco tomorrow- hopefully with Wi-Fi on the flight! Ha! I have a plenty to think about. Some of it has already been put into motion, so whatever will be- will be.

I'm sincerely thankful to have a minute to put it all together. I needed this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm in Manhattan...

2010-03-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

Good God- I think even my eyes are tired! I took a long overdue vacation to see my beloved John Mayer @ Madison Square Garden, plus a little more time to really decipher what my next step plans are and if Manhattan is in my future.

For those of you that may or may not remember at the beginning of my blog posts, I talked about a needed change of scenery. I've been where I am for the last twelve years, of which has never been a more rich or humbling time for me. I've created my own small family from the lack thereof. There are things that were accomplished that astounded me even. So why leave? The answer to that question really is, "Why Not"?

My love affair with New York began at around the same time I moved to San Francisco. If you have ever lived in a small town and have chosen to go to a big one, you become enamored with cities. San Francisco did that for me at fifteen years old, and then at twenty-two the bug for New York came itching.

It was around that time that I dated Roderick, who was from NY, temporarily living in California for an internship with a Silicon Valley based company. He was unlike ANYONE (even to this day) I had ever met before, and we would compare stories about SF and NY. He would always remark about a couple of things like, "I can't find a place to get a good meal at Three AM here.", or- "Why aren't the exits in CA numbered like NY?", or- "I went to buy you flowers and they gave me a bunch of hassle, so I got you these (a hand picked, from my apt. bunch of assorted flowers... to which my roommates were both impressed and shocked)."

He always wanted me to come out to Manhattan. I never budged; I don't know why now. He and I went in two different ways- him to Atlanta then Boston. Me- well, I stayed in San Francisco... for?? Not much.

Well, I shouldn't really say that- I mean, all of that stuff in the beginning that I spoke of is extremely dear to me. I would not and could not replace any of the events or people that have been such a part of my life with anything else. But sometimes, I wonder if I should have just jumped when I had the chance then.

Now, ten years have passed and here we are. Amongst the sea of bad men, choices, disappointments was someone still itching to get out. Was it the lure of what he made it for me? Was I romanticizing it too much? While I'm not completely sure of that answer, I was sure that I needed change. This was not going to be my end of the line.

I suppose when I decided to marry my live-in boyfriend five-plus years ago, the big picture per se, was not made immediately aware to me. I say this because he was a free-loader leaching off of me. So this dream or rather the dreams I had, were no longer attainable. They were just thoughts, that never materialized.

Don't assume that my divorce is due to me wanting to live my own dreams. While that may play a big part in my revelations now, that is not what broke up our marriage. However, with this new sense of time, anything has now become possible again.

So here I am; with the possibilities that have presented themselves in front of me even beyond even my expectations. I tried this before now, and it didn't work out at all. In fact, it worked out horribly, because my timing was off... Completely off. Now, things are flowing nicely- perhaps too nicely. In fact, to certain degree, I'm a little scared of what could happen altogether.

The most intimidating part is whether or not I can really do this again. Moving to San Francisco was one thing because I did have something there, a support even though things were VERY rough in the beginning. We made it through for our sanity, and if you ask him today- he'd tell you that we still need each other for that very same thing!

There is belief in the very core of myself, truly there is Yet, I wonder where from here. Do I want to conquer the world? What do I want to do, merely live in Manhattan or make the rest of my life here. I could see myself doing both, but I can't see the end of the road as clearly as I could have predicted ten years earlier.

If I don't take this opportunity now, will I never get it again? I'm certainly not getting any younger.

Over the past few days that I've been here, Manhattan has given me almost every side of her so far. From the snowstorm that saw me here last week, extreme temperatures, literary men, late evenings and early mornings, long train rides and even longer walks, empty promises and promises of hope, truth and lies, and bright stinging sunshine that is not only warm enough to melt the snow- but to reveal exactly what is underneath. I'm sure there is so much more that I have still to experience before I leave at the end of the week, but it's my belief that she's helping me make some clarity to my choice.

This has brought me to this final quote of the evening from Buddha:

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”

Whatever the decision is that needs to be made, please let me make the right one.

The In-Between

2010-02-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

There are some days when the overwhelming feeling of not having someone next to you takes on new meaning.

The feeling occurs as you watch a show on TV, a song on your iPod or maybe even the way someone says that certain phrase, word... it captures your emotions and your heart.

Over coffee and conversation today, I reminded a co-worker of mine that I was okay with not getting married again, or not even having children. He asked me why I felt that way, to which I replied that I've resigned myself to believing that it may just never happen for me. Some might say I've given up. Other may even say that I'm playing conservatively. Frankly, I think I'm just playing the In-Between.

For me, the In-Between is that space that really has dreams, wants, desires or needs to be fulfilled- but is too apprehensive; or even indifferent to really acquire them- so we play house. No commitments, no implied feelings- a safe way to not feel the hurt as bad, because you assume it's inevitable. You get the opportunity to feel, but enough withdrawl to prevent the damage, you hope.

The best comparison I can make to this state of mind is how people might feel when they get their hopes up, then nothing happens. Or, when something wonderful is happening, you go into numb mode because even though you are ecstatic inside the thought of disappointment is unbearable. You would rather go it solo, though you wish you weren't alone.

Although I might be writing this in an inquisitive mood, I'm fully aware of what's going on. I'm setting myself up to accept the worst, just as my life is making a curve jump during this very important week.

Tonight, this quote turned up rather appropriately--

“It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.” --Marilyn Ferguson

And with that, I wish you Good Night.

Procrastination

2010-02-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

Why do we procrastinate?

What is it that we are waiting for? Something to fall from the sky? Why do we wait and wait for something to happen- or hit the last minute to make something work?

"How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” --Martin Luther

Isn't that the truth? I always wait until the last minute. It's really not intentional, yet somehow everyone's needs come way before my own- and next thing you know, I'm trying to get something together last minute in a mad dash.

My examples range from not packing, to making an important decision- and it really doesn't matter what it is because if I can wait, I will.

Sometimes, I just wish that people would make the decision for me. If I could hire a PA, I would because it would allow me to make them make me important and plan for me. Ha! I'm sick and twisted-- I know.

My therapist (yes, I have one- and she's amazing) talked about the reason why people place others before themselves have a need to nurture and be nurtured. I had to think about that a bit. I've never considered myself someone to be nurtured- I've always been a very independent person. I had to- and glad that I was placed in that situation.

Yet, what I did believe was that this lack of making yourself important really does a number on someone. When does someone decide that the greatest person to take care of is themselves?

**On a side note, I thought I would share a beautiful drawing shared with me today-- I thought it was just stunning. Man, I wish I could draw!**

Lastly, I did find this article about procrastination here. An interesting read, perhaps it will inspire me to continue making changes around what really is important.

But right now, I'm not gonna procrastinate in drinking this delicious cold beer. Ha! Guess I really have my priorities straight!

Today I came to a conclusion; We're all F@%ked UP!

2010-02-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Whether it's nature or nurture, something at a point at our lives has made us who we are. Good, bad or indifferent. And guess what; We're all F@%ked UP!

Over conversations with my friends at dinner, work or on the phone- it seems as though we have a list of emotional ailments that seize us and prevent us from living life. Let me name a few for you:

One friend is obsessed with being independent.
One friend has the inability to say they love someone.
One friend cannot stop spending money to fill the void.
One friend obsesses over being successful so they can take care of everyone else (namely their parents).
One friend always is on a quest to hurt someone before they hurt them.

Now, thats just a few of the things that I talked about with people this week- seriously. As I ventured to ask why, there was plenty of avoidance, tears and depth that came from places inside that some hadn't gone to in years.

I suppose it is a culmination of a few things that make us this way. Past experiences for sure shape our emotional ways of thinking and acting out. I'm just worried that our obsession with our issues will prevent us from truly feeling and experiencing our lives. So much happens today in the media, or through social economics that makes us feel inadequate. The obsession comes from not having what we are "supposed" to have- or never having enough.

Don't you want to fall in love? Don't you want to be happy? Don't you think you deserve the best?

If you do, WHY are you letting this crap stop you?

One of my biggest ailments has to do with trust. I RARELY trust anyone. Sad isn't it? I'm always afraid that someone is not acting with the truest of intentions, which just pisses me off.

I could hide in my house. I could shield myself from other people. I could live in a bubble- but this time around, I've decided to face it head on. How much longer can I be afraid of becoming angry because someone betrayed my trust, lied or didn't act the way I wanted them to?

At some point, you have to wake up and LIVE!

If you haven't read my first post of this blog, or the title alone- it's about my adventure into losing some of my own ailments (or issues). At some point, you just wake up and go, "What the F@%K is going on? When will I be in charge of my own life?". Well, I suppose that doesn't speak for everyone but it does speak for me.

The funny part about all of it is that the more and more I speak with my friends, strangers or colleagues- we truly realize that ALL of us are really, really F@%ked up. No amount of counseling, pills, drugs, alcohol, shopping or eating will cure us. We have to find the solutions for ourselves, but where do you begin if you have been in some type of disfunction for awhile now? How do you self medicate?

When I started writing for the purpose of self medication (to a degree...), the last thing I expected was to hear people reveal themselves (some of it was offered, some stories were pulled out of them..) in such a way that it sounded like a personal mid-life crisis (in our twenties and thirties!).

So what do you do from here? You acknowledge your crap. You find someone who loves all your crap. And you realize that you are F@%ked Up, and keep going.

The amount of damage I've been through with my own upbringing, the failure of my marriage, and my personal internal battles around my own self worth are enough to keep me busy. Perhaps the acknowledgement of that alone is what gets me through the days. Once it is acknowledged, you aren't bound to live through it. It's enough to know that it's there.

To all of my friends and the random strangers I've met along the way... know its ok. We're all pretty messed up- and once we find the person who loves us unconditionally... what the F@$k does it matter anyway.

Maybe that's why so many people have dogs... it's just easier that way.

2010-02-11T00:34:00.000-08:00

Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon...

2010-02-11T00:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit since I've posted, and although I'd like to tell you that my life is full of adventure and mayhem- all I can say is that it has been pretty quiet around here.

I have been thinking, (which can be dangerous for some people) about the relationships; specifically how people and the relationships they are in evolve.

Let me share this quote with you and tell me if it strikes a chord:

“Well it seems to me that the best relationships—the ones that last— are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is.. suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”- Gillian Anderson

Now, I'm not sure if this is how real love happens, because I (believe it or not) still have yet to experience this. I find that at some point, this does happen- but is it when it's too late? Has one person evolved before the other even understands the meaning of the word?

The recent Playboy article featuring John Mayer gives a recap of this evolution to some effect, as he refers to his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, who is 8 years his senior.

PLAYBOY: You said that song (Heartbreak Warfare) isn’t about Aniston. Why is it important for people to know that?
MAYER: I’m very protective of Jen.
PLAYBOY: Do you still love her?
MAYER: Yes, always. I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.
PLAYBOY: Last June she was given an award from Women in Film. In her acceptance speech she pointed out that the titles of her films closely parallel her private life. Then she asked if anyone in the audience had “a project titled Everlasting Love With an Adult, Stable Male.” It seems as if she was referring to you.
MAYER: I imagine I’ve got something to do with that. Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.

PLAYBOY: The way you talk about being 32 sounds as though you were too immature for Aniston.
MAYER: No, the actual day-to-day was fantastic. I have to explain this so people don’t say, “Sure, you’re 32, and you want to fuck other chicks.” If you say I’m not adult and stable, it sounds as though I’m someone who’s watching football and playing Xbox. I have this bond with infinite possibility—when I go out to dinner, I bring another shirt, a flashlight, a knife, a hard drive, a camera. It’s not like I wanted to be with somebody else. I want to be with myself, still, and lie in bed only with the infinite unknown. That’s 32, man.

I've had three men, ok--FOUR men that I've truly loved. One of them got away. I deeply regret not noticing the signs like I should have. It was a combination of not noticing, not accepting that it was the right "time" and not thinking I was worthy. I was a fool.

If it's meant to happen, I guess that time really does sync correctly. When TOTGA (the-one-that-got-away) finally wanted to settle down, he wasn't looking for a girl, but a woman.

Could you have called me a woman at 25-26? Was I similar in thought to JM by saying that, "I needed to be twenty-something" like he states, "I needed to be 32" ? It was like all of these deeply rooted feelings, which were far beyond his years, were something he was faced with as the other person started their evolution. Was it wrong not to feel the same? Was it selfish to want to live his youth and be 32?

In a very weird way, I can identify with this coming of age dilemma. Perhaps I identify with it most because I feel as though I've come of age over the last 5 years. I've grown into my own skin. I'm comfortable being a woman, not a girl (certainly, I was not the woman I am today...). The experiences I've encountered, I wouldn't change for the world, even though the circumstances surrounding them may piss me off.

If I never had the time in my twenties to make mistakes, fall in quasi-love, and live in my own angst- I wouldn't be ready for what comes though the door next- or when I get the opportunity to see the person next to me a clearly as the quote describes above.

There is a higher element of attraction now than there ever was in my twenties. It has to do with experience; furthermore, confidence.

Because once you have given yourself the room to live, then you know you have the will to do so.

Perhaps the moon, stars and planets did align today

2010-02-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of coincidental happenings throughout today.

First and foremost- allow me to share this photo with you. I found it this evening, and the look in her eyes struck a chord.

She is striking. The look in her eyes tell the story of someone who knows too much.

Anyhow, back to this.

The other day- you may have read my tweet (you can follow me here) regarding how my recent dreams have been like premonitions. In the last seven days, I have had more dreams that correlate to recent events, that I really cannot make this stuff up.

I've dreamt of a former boss, an irrelevant girl, an impending reunion, the meaning of the truth-- and a D90 SLR. The weirdest part is that somehow or another, all of these people in my dreams or situations seem to piece together to explain things. Don't ask me how exactly, but I can give you a small example perhaps.

Two days ago, I dreamt of a former boss who I have not connected with in over five years. We were sitting at his kitchen table with his wife, as he went on to explain life as he knew it. It was like old times, but very unusual. It was a new "him". Even though it sounded like him, it didn't look like him. He was the same but so different. Most of all, he was cautious and calculated- and wanted to make sure that I understood it all so I wouldn't make the same mistakes.

And, today as luck would have it- our paths cross in a very major way. Out of the blue, we were reconnected again; just like old times. The best part was the conversation was so much like my dream, to the letter! I'm telling you, I can't make this sh!t up!

In fact, a lot of doors opened today in the best and worst ways. The universe it seems has a way of exposing the truth as it should be known, and aligns us in such a way- that we have no excuse but to follow the law of inertia in that direction. If something is supposed to happen, the doors will open. If something is not supposed to happen, then it will be the hardest thing to make work.

While I'm not sure if my last statement applies to everything, I do believe that it applies to most things we want and will work hard for. The only exception might be love, because that is supposed to occur when you least expect it; or that's how the story goes at least.

For as odd as today was, with all of it's symbolism, emotion and recklessness-- I am anxious to see how it all comes together. My feeling is that February will be very good start to things to come.

Over 35 and single? There has to be a catch.

2010-01-31T08:21:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's just been this weekend, or the recent astrological change of Jupiter (I'm not an expert, I just seem to know these things) but there have been more sexual innuendos this week than I can remember.

Not only has there been innuendo, but there has also been discussions at length with friends, strangers and cynical individuals about love and sexuality. Maybe it's the winter that makes us feel so repressed that the onset of spring makes us feel liberated enough to talk about these topics. Who knows, but it definitely has given me enough material for my entry this evening.

Tonight while enjoying a few choice beverages at a local bar, I had the pleasure of meeting Jason. A thirty-something guy, still single- still looking who by all accounts looked average, healthy, sane. A teacher, who enjoys the perks and downfalls of that profession. All in all, a very nice guy who is still in search of someone.

So what's the problem? Well, come to find out that Jason has never had a real relationship with someone. You know, living together- for longer than 6 months, or the casual hook-up. He is the consumate bachelor. A ton of female friends, lots of "numbers in the book", but not a love in his heart to call his own.

Jason spends his time hanging with his "crew", meeting more ladies to put in "the book". He tends to leave just when things get too close, because, "it's just better that way...cleaner". He doesn't ever think he's going to settle down, even if secretly inside he really wants to.

"I just can't find the right one and if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it." When did men become scared?

Somehow, the mix of cocktails and good music allow Jason and I to connect. He feels comfortable enough to open up to me and give me the truth about his situation, which I find fascinating. As I'm coming out of my marriage, it's been a minute since I've been back in the dating game, so any interaction for my own "educational purposes" is a godsend.

Usually, for a thirty-something female, the pickings are... well picked through. You have a couple of choices: A- Has baggage, B-Has no baggage, but is younger than you, C- He has baggage, but they are all your age or D- He's Gay.

So, when you do meet a 35 year old single male, you begin to wonder just what the hell happened? Did he live with his parents? Was he a "late bloomer"? What's the catch?

This past Monday or Tuesday, after watching the "Today Show with Kathie Lee and Sharon Osborne" (if you haven't already noticed, I'm a fan of "Today"), they tacked a subject called the "Male Midlife Crisis". Brilliant! Perhaps they had it all figured out!

What was amazing for me to hear was the male apprehension to commit for lack of being able to provide? I'm not sure if that is as necessary since more and more women become successful in their own right, or provide for the family on their income alone. Instead of succumbing to the pressure of marriage or relationships, some men just choose to lay low for awhile- and in some cases, continue the practices that Jason mentions above. Anyhow, it was an interesting point of view from a male perspective. You can read the "Male Midlife Crisis" here.

Overall, the freedom we longed for. The independence from men, when some of us were very influenced by our mother's dependence on men... well, perhaps it's too much for the male psyche to bear, or it's ruined the delicate balance of relationships and growth.

Manners

2010-01-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

I am firm believer in manners. Everything from eating with the right fork to saying "please", "thank you" and "yes ma'am".

I also believe that manners should exist in and out of the bedroom. Yes, I went there. Just because you're not in public doesn't mean you get to turn into a hick.

Now, I may be a little rusty getting back into the "scene", but the last time I checked there were still certain things that just should be done if you planned on keeping someone around for longer than a minute- even if it wasn't meant to be serious, but rather "convenient".

Where should we begin? Hmm, let's see where to start...

ALWAYS let a lady go first. IN PUBLIC and IN THE BEDROOM. You will be a GOD if you follow this rule.
Don't call at all hours of the night; If you do call late, it should be to make sure we made it home okay.
Don't imply that we could be couple in public. If this is a hook up there will be NO public affection.
Leave when we ask you to. Don't linger, don't stick around to see what else might happen. It looks desperate. Say "goodbye" and "I'll see you soon".
Don't call us- WE will call you. And when we do, thank us for calling- saying "What's Up?!" sounds vile.

And that my friends, is the end. My apologies for my rant, but it needed to be said. It had been on my mind all week.

Excuse me; Your life is passing before your eyes. You might want to catch it!

2010-01-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

One morning while watching the Today show, Matt Lauer featured a story regarding a MSNBC personality Mika Brzezinski, who had recently written a book called, "All Things at Once". The premise of the book refers to today's modern woman; the one who wants it all- down to the job, husband, kids... you name it.

I was intrigued by the title of the book because, while I'm not sure if it's generational or not, I feel that women that are around my age, who have waited to find a man, or have children for sake of some career are at a point in their lives where they have to stop, gain perspective and choose whether or not to continue on the path they are on... or--- well, I'm even not too sure what that "OR" is.

While I haven't read the book myself, nor am I promoting it publicly (a link is here for a small excerpt of what's in the book itself) the title alone got me to thinking about life, and exactly where I was at that very moment.

I called my one of my best friends who is in the same line of work, only add a husband and three beautiful children to the mix. Perplexed, and wondering if she felt the same way.

Could we really have it all? Or in the pursuit of it, had our lives just passed us by?

Right around New Year's, I woke up in the morning just dog tired. Now you might be tempted to say that the Holidays had finally caught up with me, but I was EXHAUSTED...better yet DONE.

I couldn't believe we were already coming upon New Year's Day at that point, with a looming sinus infection, and the aches and pains I never seemed to recall having before my thirties, I just wanted to rest for a very, VERY long time.

Where the hell had Christmas gone? What about Thanksgiving? Was I just excited that each Holiday was another day off?

At that point, I realized that my life had passed before my eyes. I had dove in head first to create diversions for anything and everything- so I wouldn't have to deal with... well, what ever I didn't want to deal with. I was too busy being busy, and making some sort of excuse to not be involved. Now I actually wanted to be.

Realizing how tired I was had more to do than the physical. Mentally, time had drained me. I looked around, only to find that I wanted to enjoy those Holidays again. That it was okay to want to smell the roses. It wasn't that important to have it all at once, if you couldn't take the time to have it at all.

The title of this blog "My Seven Year Itch", truly fits the definition. My eyes were opened, I looked around to realize not only what was missing, but what needed to change. Contrary to what some might think, my desire to change has nothing to do with running. It has everything to do with GROWING. That is when you really feel like you have it all. When you grow and evolve as a person, to experience what life has in front of you-- You get a chance to enjoy the ride.

What had previously defined me, would no longer fit the wants, needs and desires for my future.

Time is not infinite. We are not here forever. You must make the most of the time you have and embrace it.

Why I'm glad my twenties are over....

2010-01-17T00:43:00.000-08:00

I decided that I was going to venture out today, with my laptop to my local Peet's and start writing. My hope was to be inspired by seeing others around me. This week has been a hard one, and I've had a really hard time putting things in perspective.

I love to people watch; the behavior of others truly fascinates me. Figuring that it was a Saturday and all, I knew that I would be exposed to an eclectic cross section of people.

It was a good thirty minutes before anyone caught my attention. Well, I suppose I should say that my eavesdropping probably led me to a conversation more than anything. Two young men, having a conversation about girls. Yes, I said GIRLS; not women. The point of contention was around the one guy thinking about dating an older woman, while the friend was dating a younger girl. How young? Well, she could buy porn and vote- but couldn't enjoy a three olive martini in a bar, even if she wanted to.

To be honest, I was a little taken back that these two were talking openly and candidly concerning relationships. It has been said that men actually do speak more about relationships than women, sometimes feeling the need to brag or compare to another male for consensus or status. Anyhow, it was like seeing something you only see in the wild being reenacted in front of my eyes.

As I continued to eavesdrop, with my nonfat caramel latte on my right and surfing the web for designer eyewear, one of the guys decided he was going to ask my opinion.

Since I couldn't say, "Hey, I've been listening to your conversation the entire time- so here is my POV..." I let him explain why he felt it was important to add an older woman to his dating "portfolio".

As much as I would like to flatter myself and say I don't look a day over twenty-five, he knew who he was talking to; a thirty-something female, sitting at a coffee shop with nothing better to do, listening to them. This was the most action I had seen all week! Ha!

He went on to explain his side of the coin, about how older women are more sure of themselves... more experienced. They know what they want and don't want. He said there was this woman who he worked with who was in her thirties who looked like "she could teach him a few things...".

His friend asked him why he wanted "old goods" (and after he said that, he turned to me and said, "no offense..." uggh...), especially when there was that "other girl that keeps tellin' you she wants to hook up, you know the one that is really hot... the one that was dancing on the bar last weekend.. you know... so-and-so's friend...".

It was after that comment that I remembered why I'm glad my twenties are over.

Dancing on bars? Yeah, that was reserved for my twenties. Calling or paging (boy, that dates me!) at all hours of the night? Yeah, that was my twenties too. Acting STUPID just to get a guys attention to boost HIS ego? Yep, that was my twenties too. Having plenty of bad sex? OH YEAH, my twenties was all about that.

But, in my thirties I realized that all of that bullshit that my twenties taught me, allowed me to fully understand just what kind of woman I was. I'm not even sure when the transition happened. Nonetheless- my needs, wants and desires became crystal clear in my thirties. I know what good sex feels like, acts like and looks like. I know that I don't have to act stupid to boost a man's ego so he can be attracted to me. I can actually be SMART because my mind and point of view is more attractive. I know that I'm hitting my peak, so someone better be able to keep up with me...

The quote of the night came from the guy who wanted to experience an older woman... "You know what they say, the older the berry- the sweeter the juice...."

Truthfully, at that point- I wasn't sure if I was creeped out or flattered. So I decided to dive back into surfing the web.

You know, most of my relationships have been with men who have been older than me. Some by many, many moons- some by just months or days. All of them taught me something about myself. Each of them added a little more "swagger" to my step. And some of them, well frankly I wish we had never met.

I get the feeling of confidence you get from an "older" soul. There is nothing like being with someone who knows what they want and has a goal. I guess that's when you know you're ready for something isn't it? When the size of your goals and ambitions become important-- not how quickly you can get into bed with "x" number of people.

But I do have to say, as an thirty-something female who is hitting her peak, that conversation gave me more confidence in the person I am today, than any self help book could have given me.

Thank you Mr. Coffee Shop guy, and I hope you get your girl- or should I say, woman.

The Faceless Man

2010-01-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have been having these incessant dreams about a man (I know, rough dreams, right?) whose face I cannot see.

Now, if the dream was racy enough- would it really matter (joking, just joking), but the part that peaks my interest really lies in the traits of this man and what I am discovering about myself.

For a very long time, I prided myself in being a young, professional, independent woman. My mother was severely co-dependent on men in her life who took care of her, and it became increasingly difficult as her circumstances change later in life.

Well, I was going to show her, or them- or me... I was going to show someone that I didn't need a man to take care of me, or do anything for me. I was going to do it all myself.

The plan worked out splendidly for a bit. I moved away from the small town that was too familiar to me. I worked hard, networked, talked, canoodled, and shoved my way into jobs and social circles that allowed me to continue my climb towards self sufficiency. My mother even apologized to me at one point for not believing in my ability to get it done. What? It proved that I was on the right path, right?

Yet in 2004, after my Grandfather died on Valentine's Day, I looked around and wondered who was there for me.

Now, I wasn't on the prowl. I wasn't seeking anything in particular. In fact, the guy I had been seeing (I say "seeing" because I wasn't into making a committment, or rather I was afraid of it...) and I had this long conversation about being there for each other, but I didn't want him. I guess I just wanted the idea of him or to know that someone was around. Maybe I should have adopted a pet instead, because I was really looking for a companion.

Now, in my climb to the top (my "top", not the TOP) there were plenty of casualties along the way. People who wanted to take care of me or be nice to me, yet I was too focused to merely acknowledge the basic beauty of what that all was about. I came to a point where the companionship became more important than the companion.

Enter the Toxic Relationship.

So, for the sake of this entry, I wont go into the long drawn out explanation of that relationship because it needs an entry to itself. But know this, it was not by any means the relationship I needed or wanted.

It was what society wanted. It was what my mother wanted. It was what he wanted- but never what I wanted.

As the Faceless Man enters my dreams more frequently. He continues to show me again and again what I forgot about what was important to me. His qualities, his worldliness- the overall ambitiousness of his nature is more of a turn on than just his looks.

That is the most interesting part right? I guess it's not what he looks like. It's what has finally become acceptable to me. It's who I really needed all along.

One more thing I forgot to share...

2010-01-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine recently took this photo. He lives in NY, and I've asked him from time to time to take pictures of things that inspire him so I may add them to my blogs. This one was taken recently, and makes me think about my "bucket list". What is on yours?

Well, Hello There...

2010-01-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

I bet you're wondering how you got here. Maybe you were doing a search on Marilyn Monroe, or you always wondered what the movie was about. Or, maybe you wanted to know just how the term related to you. Well, whatever the reason- Welcome!

This detailed account of my life begins because I've had enough. Yes, enough of not doing the things you should do with your life by now. Enough of the bullshit excuses, about why this and that never happened. Enough of the "later" and "never". Enough of the bad decisions about people because you didn't believe in yourself, and most of all, enough about not taking care of ME!

Twenty-Ten will begin a chain of events to include the following:

Ending of a Toxic Relationship.
Losing the cloak of myself that I'm hiding under.
Change of Scenery; much needed.

Here was my outstanding horoscope that began the new year. I was pretty proud of it myself...

"Organizing and cleaning the skeletons out of your closet will be burning the most fuel in your brain and body, as you’re over carrying around all that crap and being so overly sentimental about everything — especially since it’s been so thankless. This will then mean finally being able to listen and truly trusting yourself in a way you never have before. The result will mean being more spontaneous and working out new ways to pursue your ambitions. Yes, boredom finally will get the best of you and you’ll have had it with being safe. Expect to venture off to new places, reach out to new types of people and possibly make a drastic change to your image too. Nothing old will seem of value anymore and the more you try new things, the more your confidence will soar, as you will see that you don’t need to stick to any of those ideals you once held so dear. Yes, your amazing power of persistence will no longer have to hit brick walls to change your direction. New possibilities you create will be all the inspiration you’ll need to melt apprehensions away.”

It had me pegged. That was exactly how I was feeling. That was exactly what I was thinking... It was in tune with everything I wanted to get started this year.

My journey has started. It's bound to be a long one. I hope you'll join me all along the way.