The Faceless Man

For the past couple of weeks, I have been having these incessant dreams about a man (I know, rough dreams, right?) whose face I cannot see.

Now, if the dream was racy enough- would it really matter (joking, just joking), but the part that peaks my interest really lies in the traits of this man and what I am discovering about myself.

For a very long time, I prided myself in being a young, professional, independent woman.  My mother was severely co-dependent on men in her life who took care of her, and it became increasingly difficult as her circumstances change later in life.

Well, I was going to show her, or them- or me... I was going to show someone that I didn't need a man to take care of me, or do anything for me.  I was going to do it all myself.

The plan worked out splendidly for a bit.  I moved away from the small town that was too familiar to me.  I worked hard, networked, talked, canoodled, and shoved  my way into jobs and social circles that allowed me to continue my climb towards self sufficiency.  My mother even apologized to me at one point for not believing in my ability to get it done.  What?  It proved that I was on the right path, right?

Yet in 2004, after my Grandfather died on Valentine's Day, I looked around and wondered who was there for me.

Now, I wasn't on the prowl.  I wasn't seeking anything in particular.  In fact, the guy I had been seeing (I say "seeing" because I wasn't into making a committment, or rather I was afraid of it...) and I had this long conversation about being there for each other, but I didn't want him.  I guess I just wanted the idea of him or to know that someone was around.  Maybe I should have adopted a pet instead, because I was really looking for a companion.

Now, in my climb to the top (my "top", not the TOP) there were plenty of casualties along the way.  People who wanted to take care of me or be nice to me, yet I was too focused to merely acknowledge the basic beauty of what that all was about.  I came to a point where the companionship became more important than the companion.

Enter the Toxic Relationship.

So, for the sake of this entry, I wont go into the long drawn out explanation of that relationship because it needs an entry to itself.  But know this, it was not by any means the relationship I needed or wanted.

It was what society wanted.  It was what my mother wanted.  It was what he wanted- but never what I wanted.

As the Faceless Man enters my dreams more frequently.  He continues to show me again and again what I forgot about what was important to me.  His qualities, his worldliness- the overall  ambitiousness of his nature is more of a turn on than just his looks.

That is the most interesting part right? I guess it's not what he looks like.  It's what has finally become acceptable to me.  It's who I really needed all along.