Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm in Manhattan...

Good God- I think even my eyes are tired!  I took a long overdue vacation to see my beloved John Mayer @ Madison Square Garden, plus a little more time to really decipher what my next step plans are and if Manhattan is in my future.


For those of you that may or may not remember at the beginning of my blog posts, I talked about a needed change of scenery.  I've been where I am for the last twelve years, of which has never been a more rich or humbling time for me.  I've created my own small family from the lack thereof.  There are things that were accomplished that astounded me even.  So why leave?  The answer to that question really is, "Why Not"?


My love affair with New York began at around the same time I moved to San Francisco.  If you have ever lived in a small town and have chosen to go to a big one, you become enamored with cities.  San Francisco did that for me at fifteen years old, and then at twenty-two the bug for New York came itching.  


It was around that time that I dated Roderick, who was from NY, temporarily living in California for an internship with a Silicon Valley based company.  He was unlike ANYONE (even to this day) I had ever met before, and we would compare stories about SF and NY.  He would always remark about a couple of things like, "I can't find a place to get a good meal at Three AM here.", or- "Why aren't the exits in CA numbered like NY?", or- "I went to buy you flowers and they gave me a bunch of hassle, so I got you these (a hand picked, from my apt. bunch of assorted flowers... to which my roommates were both impressed and shocked)."


He always wanted me to come out to Manhattan.  I never budged; I don't know why now.  He and I went in two different ways- him to Atlanta then Boston.  Me- well, I stayed in San Francisco... for??  Not much.


Well, I shouldn't really say that- I mean, all of that stuff in the beginning that I spoke of is extremely dear to me.  I would not and could not replace any of the events or people that have been such a part of my life with anything else.  But sometimes, I wonder if I should have just jumped when I had the chance then.


Now, ten years have passed and here we are.  Amongst the sea of bad men, choices, disappointments was someone still itching to get out.  Was it the lure of what he made it for me?  Was I romanticizing it too much?  While I'm not completely sure of that answer, I was sure that I needed change.  This was not going to be my end of the line.


I suppose when I decided to marry my live-in boyfriend five-plus years ago, the big picture per se, was not made immediately aware to me.  I say this because he was a free-loader leaching off of me.  So this dream or rather the dreams I had, were no longer attainable.  They were just thoughts, that never materialized.


Don't assume that my divorce is due to me wanting to live my own dreams.  While that may play a big part in my revelations now, that is not what broke up our marriage.  However, with this new sense of time, anything has now become possible again.


So here I am; with the possibilities that have presented themselves in front of me even beyond even my expectations.  I tried this before now, and it didn't work out at all.  In fact, it worked out horribly, because my timing was off...  Completely off.  Now, things are flowing nicely- perhaps too nicely.  In fact, to certain degree, I'm a little scared of what could happen altogether.


The most intimidating part is whether or not I can really do this again.  Moving to San Francisco was one thing because I did have something there, a support even though things were VERY rough in the beginning.  We made it through for our sanity, and if you ask him today- he'd tell you that we still need each other for that very same thing! 


There is belief in the very core of myself, truly there is  Yet, I wonder where from here.  Do I want to conquer the world?  What do I want to do, merely live in Manhattan or make the rest of my life here.  I could see myself doing both, but I can't see the end of the road as clearly as I could have predicted ten years earlier.


If I don't take this opportunity now, will I never get it again?  I'm certainly not getting any younger.  


Over the past few days that I've been here, Manhattan has given me almost every side of her so far.  From the snowstorm that saw me here last week, extreme temperatures, literary men, late evenings and early mornings, long train rides and even longer walks, empty promises and promises of hope, truth and lies, and bright stinging sunshine that is not only warm enough to melt the snow- but to reveal exactly what is underneath.  I'm sure there is so much more that I have still to experience before I leave at the end of the week, but it's my belief that she's helping me make some clarity to my choice.  


This has brought me to this final quote of the evening from Buddha:


“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”




Whatever the decision is that needs to be made, please let me make the right one.