On The Verge of A Binge

It came to me this afternoon, as I was thinking about the catalyst for why binges happen. 

It probably doesn't help that I feel like I'm headed for a binge myself.

In a conversation today, I described my mood as this:

“I’m a bit emo with a touch of anxious and a sprinkle of regret."

You see, yesterday someone picked off a scab of mine that I had worked very hard for the last few months to heal.

They had no idea they were doing this.  Frankly, neither did I as it began to happen.  It was a simple conversation about something that didn't go as planned (my way), and instead went the way of another.  This apparently shocked the individual and they felt like they needed to tell me again.  

While I believe their intentions were well meaning--as they continued to tell me how sorry they were, I couldn't help but feeling like there was a deep rooted anger that hadn't been dealt with yet.

I'm thirty-three years old.  When I was twenty-seven, I was really going somewhere, doing things-- and then I met my ex-husband.  I should have just focused on me more than finding a mate.

At seventeen, I received a full ride scholarship in music to a university in Vancouver, and attended for one semester-- my mother wanted me home to do the things she never wanted to do and I obliged.  I should have focused on my dreams instead of taking care of things my mother didn't want to dirty her hands with.

Each time as some major event happened to change the later course of events, a binge came on. Sometimes it was food, cigarettes, liquor or even drugs.  It was my way of dealing with disappointment in myself.  The unfortunate choices that I had made that left me in an uncomfortable predicament.  While the short term feeling was gratifying, there was always regret that soon after followed as the repercussion of my actions became apparent.

So why am I being so hard on myself?  Well at this point, with my current surroundings (me being alone to my own devices that is...) there is a small pool of options that are available to me today.  In my quest for "What's Next?", I have to think about changing my lifestyle.  Where to live, what to do, how to manage?  Am I really at the point to give up my possessions to gain freedom, even though I've worked very hard for all I currently have.

I suppose the question to that statement is, what do I have?  

Some would say you have as much as you're willing to give.  I'm willing to give everything, if someone can just guarantee that my disappointment won't get in the way.

Because at this very moment, I feel a binge coming on.