Men

It never ceases to amaze me when grown men start the exploration of the female species in search of a relationship.

It's rather endearing to watch you change your tone of voice, your inflections in speech, watch how you dress differently and mind your mannerisms.  Sometimes, it's in such vast contrast that it becomes shocking and alluring all at the same time.

Now here's where you really get interesting.  It's when you want to have a "conversation".  Most men I know have little conversation.  It's not that they don't talk, they just don't talk THAT MUCH.  But, it's ok-- because it's all part of the exploration.  You're appealing to a woman's ears, which connect to her heart.  I can appreciate that.

Four hours later, after maybe a plate of this or that, a cocktail or two-- the conversation ends.  

"Shall we do this again?"- you ask... which must mean you have some level of interest, otherwise why keep talking right?

The next meeting is more for show.  You have deciphered the female, you now know what it is you want to show her.  You go into "Peacock Mode"- and even bring out the heavy artillery.  Cigars.  Twelve-Year Old Whiskey. Old stories or photos that show how you once were. Your Perfectly Pressed Dress Shirt-- all in the name of showing her that you listened all along and here you were in the flesh.

Here's the problem.

She liked you anyway.  All of that never really mattered.  And in the next four hours that commence, you begin to wonder if you made a mistake.  She is far deeper than you imagined, and even all the cigar smoke, whiskey, pictures and starch can't quite cut it.

This time as the conversation gets deeper, you may begin to understand what she is really saying. If you didn't, here's some help.

All the accessories weren't required.  If she invested the time, you're worth it.  

You didn't need to smoke that cigar, or drink the whiskey.  

You're investment of the first four hours were plenty.  

She liked you when you were having all that conversation, when you were your true self and appreciated her the same.

You finish the night and part ways.  "We will see each other very soon...", you say.

Even after all that, the ball is in your court. 

She is still waiting for you to call, and even when you don't call then-- she might still be waiting after all those years.

Trust your "Hunter Mode" fellas... You had her at hello.

What's going on?

Holy Smokes!  It's been a week since I've filled you all in on what's been happening. 


New York was amazing.  It always is, and each time I go back I fall in love with it more and more.  Plenty of memorable experiences had in a very short amount of time.  Even drove a car in Manhattan- yes, I'm crazy.


While the real purpose of the trip did not turn out the way I might have wanted it to, it did provide me with a lot of context.  So much in fact, that I have a few things to consider in the next few months.


As I got back into San Francisco, the weather was horrible and it matched my mood.  I needed to refocus on what's going to happen next.


Have you ever had a moment in your life where you have felt like you have unlimited options?  That's the point in time I'm facing currently.  I've been shackled by my family, my ex-husband and other "things" that I assumed had held me back previously.  Now, there is really nothing that can get me down.  I'm not sure where or what I'm going to be doing in ninety days, or tomorrow- but trust me when I tell you that you will be one to know!


Now, some things that I learned while in NY:

• NY focuses more on intelligence, while LA focuses on appearance.
• Men in NY love the backside (AKA as a woman's ass... No problem there!).
• A window front with a red neon sign that reads "Psychic" isn't always a Psychic.
• Do not order a Chai Tea Latte in NY.  Stick to coffee.
• Driving in NY is not as bad as it looks, just go with the flow of traffic and react fast.  You'll be fine.
• I could get lost on a long drive down the West Side Highway
• Beware of the Holland Tunnel (Hello New Jersey!).
• Central Park is romantic.  There I said it.  I'm not such a non-romantic person after all.
• ALWAYS have a Plan B.  You never know when you need it.

Moving on...

The week has been rather uneventful otherwise, with the exception of my ex-husband who insisted that I send him a box of his belongings before he signs my divorce papers.  Well I'm going to do better than that!  I'm going to take all of his goodies back to LA!  When I mentioned this, he seemed to brush the idea of it off.  Wonder what he'll do when his mother has the key to the storage unit.  According to my predictions.  I should be divorced by July.

Next, let's talk sex and orgasms.

Whoa-- right?  Yes, I said it. Let's talk about it.

This afternoon I was drinking a cup of coffee, and overhearing some witty banter on the television somewhere between Meet the Press, The Real Housewives of NY, Face the Nation and the Millionaire Matchmaker.  The premise of the banter had something to do with relationships.  I tuned in one ear to it, and the other ear to the music I was listening to.

Did I also mention that I was simultaneously downloading a hard drive for a friend of mine before he takes a long trip too?  Geezus- I was working on like 10 things!  

Anyway, somewhere in all of that banter was one of the wisest deductions that I'd heard in a bit.  Ready for it?  Ok, here we go....

"Once you have one good orgasm with a man, whether he be the right or wrong one for a relationship, you're fucked; figuratively and literally."

I took this bit of wisdom and sent it to my closest female friends who responded to like this:

"Now that is some funny shit!"

"All I can say is you're ABSOLUTELY right..."

"No wonder I'm a mess..."

"Tell me something I don't know"

Now, is it a surprise when I say that you can have sex with someone and not be attached?  It just has to be BAD sex.  

Bad sex is usually a reason to not have an orgasm.  Better yet, it's the best reason women do not become attached to men.

So in my assessment, I started thinking.  I've had good sex, bad sex and OMG sex.  I can count on my hands with whom I've had mind blowing orgasms with- and it was all with OMG sex-- and yes, I was fucked literally and figuratively.

(And for the sake of this blog, the number I can count is less than 10% of the sex I've had.  Yes, I said that too.)

That got me to thinking, so what if you took the time to contact one of the guys who you shared the OMG moment with?  What if you just said, "Hey, remember that time?  Yeah, so I just want you to know that you were the producer of one of the most mind blowing orgasms I've ever had.  Here's a medal and a thank you note..."

HA!  That's crazy! I'm totally losing it!  But seriously, what *IF* you took a minute to say thanks, especially if you don't talk regularly anymore OR if you do, maybe they never had an idea.

So, I reached out to five of my closest male friends and asked them what they would think if a woman came to them with this information. These friends were in age range of 25 to 45 years old.

I was sorta shocked by the responses, but I'll explain why at the end.

Here's some of the goods:

"I'm gonna plead the fifth on this one..."

"I would call her a liar, unless she was 16..."

"Knowing that no matter what I stand out is a confidence boost.  It means I have a shot of being in the game, if you know what I mean..."

"How fucking lucky am I?

"Does she want a relationship?"

Good lord, seriously?  Men, do you get it?   A WOMAN who you all assume to know how to PLAY is giving you a COMPLIMENT on how you made her toes CURL and all you can do is QUESTION HER MOTIVES?

I had to reach deep for this one folks, no lie.  I went back to these guys, who I all love dearly, and re-ask the question just so they understood why it was so important to a woman when they have an orgasm.

Sure, men have it all the time.  They have to-- or else its not over for them.  I've actually had one guy who asked me why I didn't (ok, ok, TMI-- but in comparison to ulterior motives, he was genuinely interested...).

Once explained, the men I polled got it.  They were the MAN, literally.

It's not very often that women even acknowledge openly when a man has given her the big "O".  Think about the movie When Harry met Sally, and Meg Ryan in the coffee shop reenacting her "YES, YES.." scene.  The person next to her says, "I'll have what she's having...", because we all want the big "O".  Women fake it too often because their partners don't know how to get it done.  Men assume it's always been fake-- so what happens when it really isn't fake anymore, but a reality. Well, you've got yourself some stunned fellas, let me tell you.

I mentioned to a friend that maybe I should write those guys a letter and send them a medal just so they know that they were the men who did it for me.  He said, "Lucky Guys..."  Really?  Were they lucky, or was I the lucky one?

Eventually, for those I maintain contact with-- I will let them know.  It's a boost to the ego, just like a woman loves to hear they're the best lover a man has ever had. 

Now, I need to start designing that medal....

Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon...

It's been a bit since I've posted, and although I'd like to tell you that my life is full of adventure and mayhem- all I can say is that it has been pretty quiet around here.


I have been thinking, (which can be dangerous for some people) about the relationships; specifically how people and the relationships they are in evolve.


Let me share this quote with you and tell me if it strikes a chord:


“Well it seems to me that the best relationships—the ones that last— are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is.. suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”- Gillian Anderson


Now, I'm not sure if this is how real love happens, because I (believe it or not) still have yet to experience this.  I find that at some point, this does happen- but is it when it's too late? Has one person evolved before the other even understands the meaning of the word?


The recent Playboy article featuring John Mayer  gives a recap of this evolution to some effect, as he refers to his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, who is 8 years his senior.  


PLAYBOY: You said that song (Heartbreak Warfare) isn’t about Aniston. Why is it important for people to know that?
MAYER: I’m very protective of Jen.
PLAYBOY: Do you still love her?
MAYER: Yes, always. I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.
PLAYBOY: Last June she was given an award from Women in Film. In her acceptance speech she pointed out that the titles of her films closely parallel her private life. Then she asked if anyone in the audience had “a project titled Everlasting Love With an Adult, Stable Male.” It seems as if she was referring to you.
MAYER: I imagine I’ve got something to do with that. Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.


PLAYBOY: The way you talk about being 32 sounds as though you were too immature for Aniston.
MAYER: No, the actual day-to-day was fantastic. I have to explain this so people don’t say, “Sure, you’re 32, and you want to fuck other chicks.” If you say I’m not adult and stable, it sounds as though I’m someone who’s watching football and playing Xbox. I have this bond with infinite possibility—when I go out to dinner, I bring another shirt, a flashlight, a knife, a hard drive, a camera. It’s not like I wanted to be with somebody else. I want to be with myself, still, and lie in bed only with the infinite unknown. That’s 32, man.


I've had three men, ok--FOUR men that I've truly loved.  One of them got away.  I deeply regret not noticing the signs like I should have.  It was a combination of not noticing, not accepting that it was the right "time" and not thinking I was worthy.  I was a fool.


If it's meant to happen, I guess that time really does sync correctly.  When TOTGA (the-one-that-got-away) finally wanted to settle down, he wasn't looking for a girl, but a woman.  


Could you have called me a woman at 25-26?  Was I similar in thought to JM by saying that, "I needed to be twenty-something" like he states, "I needed to be 32" ?  It was like all of these deeply rooted feelings, which were far beyond his years, were something he was faced with as the other person started their evolution.  Was it wrong not to feel the same?  Was it selfish to want to live his youth and be 32?


In a very weird way, I can identify with this coming of age dilemma. Perhaps I identify with it most because I feel as though I've come of age over the last 5 years. I've grown into my own skin.  I'm comfortable being a woman, not a girl (certainly, I was not the woman I am today...). The experiences I've encountered, I wouldn't change for the world, even though the circumstances surrounding them may piss me off.  


If I never had the time in my twenties to make mistakes, fall in quasi-love, and live in my own angst- I wouldn't be ready for what comes though the door next- or when I get the opportunity to see the person next to me a clearly as the quote describes above.  


There is a higher element of attraction now than there ever was in my twenties.  It has to do with experience; furthermore, confidence.  


Because once you have given yourself the room to live, then you know you have the will to do so.

Over 35 and single? There has to be a catch.

Maybe it's just been this weekend, or the recent astrological change of Jupiter (I'm not an expert, I just seem to know these things) but there have been more sexual innuendos this week than I can remember.

Not only has there been innuendo, but there has also been discussions at length with friends, strangers and cynical individuals about love and sexuality. Maybe it's the winter that makes us feel so repressed that the onset of spring makes us feel liberated enough to talk about these topics.  Who knows, but it definitely has given me enough material for my entry this evening.

Tonight while enjoying a few choice beverages at a local bar, I had the pleasure of meeting Jason.  A thirty-something guy, still single- still looking who by all accounts looked average, healthy, sane.  A teacher, who enjoys the perks and downfalls of that profession.  All in all, a very nice guy who is still in search of someone.

So what's the problem?  Well, come to find out that Jason has never had a real relationship with someone.  You know, living together- for longer than 6 months, or the casual hook-up.  He is the consumate bachelor.  A ton of female friends, lots of "numbers in the book", but not a love in his heart to call his own.

Jason spends his time hanging with his "crew", meeting more ladies to put in "the book".  He tends to leave just when things get too close, because, "it's just better that way...cleaner".  He doesn't ever think he's going to settle down, even if secretly inside he really wants to. 


"I just can't find the right one and if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it."  When did men become scared?

Somehow, the mix of cocktails and good music allow Jason and I to connect.  He feels comfortable enough to open up to me and give me the truth about his situation, which I find fascinating.  As I'm coming out of my marriage, it's been a minute since I've been back in the dating game, so any interaction for my own "educational purposes"  is a godsend.

Usually, for a thirty-something female, the pickings are... well picked through.  You have a couple of choices:  A- Has baggage, B-Has no baggage, but is younger than you, C- He has baggage, but they are all your age or D- He's Gay.  


So, when you do meet a 35 year old single male, you begin to wonder just what the hell happened?  Did he live with his parents?  Was he a "late bloomer"?  What's the catch?  


This past Monday or Tuesday, after watching the "Today Show with Kathie Lee and Sharon Osborne" (if you haven't already noticed, I'm a fan of "Today"), they tacked a subject called the "Male Midlife Crisis".  Brilliant!  Perhaps they had it all figured out!


What was amazing for me to hear was the male apprehension to commit for lack of being able to provide?  I'm not sure if that is as necessary since more and more women become successful in their own right, or provide for the family on their income alone. Instead of succumbing to the pressure of marriage or relationships, some men just choose to lay low for awhile- and in some cases, continue the practices that Jason mentions above.  Anyhow, it was an interesting point of view from a male perspective.  You can read the "Male Midlife Crisis" here. 


Overall, the freedom we longed for.  The independence from men, when some of us were very influenced by our mother's dependence on men... well, perhaps it's too much for the male psyche to bear, or it's ruined the delicate balance of relationships and growth.

Manners

I am firm believer in manners.  Everything from eating with the right fork to saying "please", "thank you" and "yes ma'am".


I also believe that manners should exist in and out of the bedroom.  Yes, I went there.  Just because you're not in public doesn't mean you get to turn into a hick.


Now, I may be a little rusty getting back into the "scene", but the last time I checked there were still certain things that just should be done if you planned on keeping someone around for longer than a minute- even if it wasn't meant to be serious, but rather "convenient".


Where should we begin? Hmm, let's see where to start...

1. ALWAYS let a lady go first.  IN PUBLIC and IN THE BEDROOM.  You will be a GOD if you follow this rule.
2. Don't call at all hours of the night; If you do call late, it should be to make sure we made it home okay.
3. Don't imply that we could be couple in public.  If this is a hook up there will be NO public affection.
4. Leave when we ask you to.  Don't linger, don't stick around to see what else might happen.  It looks desperate. Say "goodbye" and "I'll see you soon".
5. Don't call us- WE will call you.  And when we do, thank us for calling- saying "What's Up?!" sounds vile.

And that my friends, is the end.  My apologies for my rant, but it needed to be said.  It had been on my mind all week.

Why I'm glad my twenties are over....

I decided that I was going to venture out today, with my laptop to my local Peet's and start writing.  My hope was to be inspired by seeing others around me.  This week has been a hard one, and I've had a really hard time putting things in perspective.

I love to people watch; the behavior of others truly fascinates me.  Figuring that it was a Saturday and all, I knew that I would be exposed to an eclectic cross section of people.

It was a good thirty minutes before anyone caught my attention.  Well, I suppose I should say that my eavesdropping probably led me to a conversation more than anything.  Two young men, having a conversation about girls.  Yes, I said GIRLS; not women.  The point of contention was around the one guy thinking about dating an older woman, while the friend was dating a younger girl.  How young?  Well, she could buy porn and vote- but couldn't enjoy a three olive martini in a bar, even if she wanted to.

To be honest, I was a little taken back that these two were talking openly and candidly concerning relationships.  It has been said that men actually do speak more about relationships than women,  sometimes feeling the need to brag or compare to another male for consensus or status.  Anyhow, it was like seeing something you only see in the wild being reenacted in front of my eyes.

As I continued to eavesdrop, with my nonfat caramel latte on my right and surfing the web for designer eyewear, one of the guys decided he was going to ask my opinion.

Since I couldn't say, "Hey, I've been listening to your conversation the entire time- so here is my POV..." I let him explain why he felt it was important to add an older woman to his dating "portfolio".

As much as I would like to flatter myself and say I don't look a day over twenty-five, he knew who he was talking to; a thirty-something female, sitting at a coffee shop with nothing better to do, listening to them.  This was the most action I had seen all week! Ha!

He went on to explain his side of the coin, about how older women are more sure of themselves... more experienced.  They know what they want and don't want.  He said there was this woman who he worked with who was in her thirties who looked like "she could teach him a few things...".

His friend asked him why he wanted "old goods" (and after he said that, he turned to me and said, "no offense..." uggh...), especially when there was that "other girl that keeps tellin' you she wants to hook up, you know the one that is really hot... the one that was dancing on the bar last weekend.. you know... so-and-so's friend...".

It was after that comment that I remembered why I'm glad my twenties are over.

Dancing on bars?  Yeah, that was reserved for my twenties.  Calling or paging (boy, that dates me!) at all hours of the night?  Yeah, that was my twenties too.  Acting STUPID just to get a guys attention to boost HIS ego?  Yep, that was my twenties too.  Having plenty of bad sex?  OH YEAH, my twenties was all about that.

But, in my thirties I realized that all of that bullshit that my twenties taught me, allowed me to fully understand just what kind of woman I was.  I'm not even sure when the transition happened.  Nonetheless- my needs, wants and desires became crystal clear in my thirties.  I know what good sex feels like, acts like and looks like.  I know that I don't have to act stupid to boost a man's ego so he can be attracted to me.  I can actually be SMART because my mind and point of view is more attractive.  I know that I'm hitting my peak, so someone better be able to keep up with me...

The quote of the night came from the guy who wanted to experience an older woman... "You know what they say, the older the berry- the sweeter the juice...."

Truthfully, at that point- I wasn't sure if I was creeped out or flattered.  So I decided to dive back into surfing the web.

You know, most of my relationships have been with men who have been older than me.  Some by many, many moons- some by just months or days.   All of them taught me something about myself.  Each of them added a little more "swagger" to my step.  And some of them, well frankly I wish we had never met.

I get the feeling of confidence you get from an "older" soul.  There is nothing like being with someone who knows what they want and has a goal.  I guess that's when you know you're ready for something isn't it?  When the size of your goals and ambitions become important-- not how quickly you can get into bed with "x" number of people.

But I do have to say, as an thirty-something female who is hitting her peak, that conversation gave me more confidence in the person I am today,  than any self help book could have given me.

Thank you Mr. Coffee Shop guy, and I hope you get your girl- or should I say, woman.

The Faceless Man

For the past couple of weeks, I have been having these incessant dreams about a man (I know, rough dreams, right?) whose face I cannot see.

Now, if the dream was racy enough- would it really matter (joking, just joking), but the part that peaks my interest really lies in the traits of this man and what I am discovering about myself.

For a very long time, I prided myself in being a young, professional, independent woman.  My mother was severely co-dependent on men in her life who took care of her, and it became increasingly difficult as her circumstances change later in life.

Well, I was going to show her, or them- or me... I was going to show someone that I didn't need a man to take care of me, or do anything for me.  I was going to do it all myself.

The plan worked out splendidly for a bit.  I moved away from the small town that was too familiar to me.  I worked hard, networked, talked, canoodled, and shoved  my way into jobs and social circles that allowed me to continue my climb towards self sufficiency.  My mother even apologized to me at one point for not believing in my ability to get it done.  What?  It proved that I was on the right path, right?

Yet in 2004, after my Grandfather died on Valentine's Day, I looked around and wondered who was there for me.

Now, I wasn't on the prowl.  I wasn't seeking anything in particular.  In fact, the guy I had been seeing (I say "seeing" because I wasn't into making a committment, or rather I was afraid of it...) and I had this long conversation about being there for each other, but I didn't want him.  I guess I just wanted the idea of him or to know that someone was around.  Maybe I should have adopted a pet instead, because I was really looking for a companion.

Now, in my climb to the top (my "top", not the TOP) there were plenty of casualties along the way.  People who wanted to take care of me or be nice to me, yet I was too focused to merely acknowledge the basic beauty of what that all was about.  I came to a point where the companionship became more important than the companion.

Enter the Toxic Relationship.

So, for the sake of this entry, I wont go into the long drawn out explanation of that relationship because it needs an entry to itself.  But know this, it was not by any means the relationship I needed or wanted.

It was what society wanted.  It was what my mother wanted.  It was what he wanted- but never what I wanted.

As the Faceless Man enters my dreams more frequently.  He continues to show me again and again what I forgot about what was important to me.  His qualities, his worldliness- the overall  ambitiousness of his nature is more of a turn on than just his looks.

That is the most interesting part right? I guess it's not what he looks like.  It's what has finally become acceptable to me.  It's who I really needed all along.