Living Like You Knew You Were Dying

Sounds like a good topic doesn't it?  It absolutely is, and frankly has pushed me into thinking about "five year type" planning again.


The conversation started simply-- a question my friend posed to me as we walked around Union Square in NYC.  


If you knew when you were dying what would you do differently?


The question can easily turn into things like timing.  So what if you knew you only had until forty-five?  Then what choices would you have made?  Would you have married "X" vs "Y"? Would you have told that one special person you loved them?  Would you have had more children?  Maybe taken that skydive out of that plane?


This topic is not in it's morbidity-- I mean timing is not infinite and we always talk about "Carpe Diem".  But do we really "seize the day" and live with the same amount of vigor we had a children when we wished that we would get older and wiser-- when we wished we could drink a beer, light a cigarette or buy porn faster.


Now imagine if you will, me sitting here in NY- humid as ever and drinking an ice cold Anchor Steam beer.  It's heaven let me tell you.  Today had a breeze, but no doubt was still hot and moist. And after making a quick stop at a book store to refresh ourselves- the question remained in my mind as we rode back on the subway to this apartment.  Perhaps if I lived life like I was dying at thirty-five, then what more would I be compelled to do- or would that nagging little voice in my head tell me to be careful or otherwise... something "might" happen.  


The thing is- you never know until you try. 


From time to time I think about my twenties--fearless was my perception.  Naive- probably the perception of others.  But I had moxie.  I had drive.  Where did it go-- and now that I've given myself until thirty-five, will it provide me with the kick in the ass to get me moving along?


Now I'm in the planning stages.  I'll keep you posted.  The biggest fear I have is losing what I am accustomed to today.  But if I'm not really living to my fullest, does it really matter anyway?  


Now, for those of you who do read my thoughts regularly-- this would seem to be a contradiction of my previous post called "Turning Point".  I reference not having a plan or rather having a plan that makes sense for me.  I still believe that point applies today, only if you enact on it.  Nothing will move forward without some sort of inertia.  


And lastly, is this quote to chew on.  Thought it would be appropriate given the topic-- 


“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”

—	Susan Sontag

What's going on?

Holy Smokes!  It's been a week since I've filled you all in on what's been happening. 


New York was amazing.  It always is, and each time I go back I fall in love with it more and more.  Plenty of memorable experiences had in a very short amount of time.  Even drove a car in Manhattan- yes, I'm crazy.


While the real purpose of the trip did not turn out the way I might have wanted it to, it did provide me with a lot of context.  So much in fact, that I have a few things to consider in the next few months.


As I got back into San Francisco, the weather was horrible and it matched my mood.  I needed to refocus on what's going to happen next.


Have you ever had a moment in your life where you have felt like you have unlimited options?  That's the point in time I'm facing currently.  I've been shackled by my family, my ex-husband and other "things" that I assumed had held me back previously.  Now, there is really nothing that can get me down.  I'm not sure where or what I'm going to be doing in ninety days, or tomorrow- but trust me when I tell you that you will be one to know!


Now, some things that I learned while in NY:

• NY focuses more on intelligence, while LA focuses on appearance.
• Men in NY love the backside (AKA as a woman's ass... No problem there!).
• A window front with a red neon sign that reads "Psychic" isn't always a Psychic.
• Do not order a Chai Tea Latte in NY.  Stick to coffee.
• Driving in NY is not as bad as it looks, just go with the flow of traffic and react fast.  You'll be fine.
• I could get lost on a long drive down the West Side Highway
• Beware of the Holland Tunnel (Hello New Jersey!).
• Central Park is romantic.  There I said it.  I'm not such a non-romantic person after all.
• ALWAYS have a Plan B.  You never know when you need it.

Moving on...

The week has been rather uneventful otherwise, with the exception of my ex-husband who insisted that I send him a box of his belongings before he signs my divorce papers.  Well I'm going to do better than that!  I'm going to take all of his goodies back to LA!  When I mentioned this, he seemed to brush the idea of it off.  Wonder what he'll do when his mother has the key to the storage unit.  According to my predictions.  I should be divorced by July.

Next, let's talk sex and orgasms.

Whoa-- right?  Yes, I said it. Let's talk about it.

This afternoon I was drinking a cup of coffee, and overhearing some witty banter on the television somewhere between Meet the Press, The Real Housewives of NY, Face the Nation and the Millionaire Matchmaker.  The premise of the banter had something to do with relationships.  I tuned in one ear to it, and the other ear to the music I was listening to.

Did I also mention that I was simultaneously downloading a hard drive for a friend of mine before he takes a long trip too?  Geezus- I was working on like 10 things!  

Anyway, somewhere in all of that banter was one of the wisest deductions that I'd heard in a bit.  Ready for it?  Ok, here we go....

"Once you have one good orgasm with a man, whether he be the right or wrong one for a relationship, you're fucked; figuratively and literally."

I took this bit of wisdom and sent it to my closest female friends who responded to like this:

"Now that is some funny shit!"

"All I can say is you're ABSOLUTELY right..."

"No wonder I'm a mess..."

"Tell me something I don't know"

Now, is it a surprise when I say that you can have sex with someone and not be attached?  It just has to be BAD sex.  

Bad sex is usually a reason to not have an orgasm.  Better yet, it's the best reason women do not become attached to men.

So in my assessment, I started thinking.  I've had good sex, bad sex and OMG sex.  I can count on my hands with whom I've had mind blowing orgasms with- and it was all with OMG sex-- and yes, I was fucked literally and figuratively.

(And for the sake of this blog, the number I can count is less than 10% of the sex I've had.  Yes, I said that too.)

That got me to thinking, so what if you took the time to contact one of the guys who you shared the OMG moment with?  What if you just said, "Hey, remember that time?  Yeah, so I just want you to know that you were the producer of one of the most mind blowing orgasms I've ever had.  Here's a medal and a thank you note..."

HA!  That's crazy! I'm totally losing it!  But seriously, what *IF* you took a minute to say thanks, especially if you don't talk regularly anymore OR if you do, maybe they never had an idea.

So, I reached out to five of my closest male friends and asked them what they would think if a woman came to them with this information. These friends were in age range of 25 to 45 years old.

I was sorta shocked by the responses, but I'll explain why at the end.

Here's some of the goods:

"I'm gonna plead the fifth on this one..."

"I would call her a liar, unless she was 16..."

"Knowing that no matter what I stand out is a confidence boost.  It means I have a shot of being in the game, if you know what I mean..."

"How fucking lucky am I?

"Does she want a relationship?"

Good lord, seriously?  Men, do you get it?   A WOMAN who you all assume to know how to PLAY is giving you a COMPLIMENT on how you made her toes CURL and all you can do is QUESTION HER MOTIVES?

I had to reach deep for this one folks, no lie.  I went back to these guys, who I all love dearly, and re-ask the question just so they understood why it was so important to a woman when they have an orgasm.

Sure, men have it all the time.  They have to-- or else its not over for them.  I've actually had one guy who asked me why I didn't (ok, ok, TMI-- but in comparison to ulterior motives, he was genuinely interested...).

Once explained, the men I polled got it.  They were the MAN, literally.

It's not very often that women even acknowledge openly when a man has given her the big "O".  Think about the movie When Harry met Sally, and Meg Ryan in the coffee shop reenacting her "YES, YES.." scene.  The person next to her says, "I'll have what she's having...", because we all want the big "O".  Women fake it too often because their partners don't know how to get it done.  Men assume it's always been fake-- so what happens when it really isn't fake anymore, but a reality. Well, you've got yourself some stunned fellas, let me tell you.

I mentioned to a friend that maybe I should write those guys a letter and send them a medal just so they know that they were the men who did it for me.  He said, "Lucky Guys..."  Really?  Were they lucky, or was I the lucky one?

Eventually, for those I maintain contact with-- I will let them know.  It's a boost to the ego, just like a woman loves to hear they're the best lover a man has ever had. 

Now, I need to start designing that medal....

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm in Manhattan...

Good God- I think even my eyes are tired!  I took a long overdue vacation to see my beloved John Mayer @ Madison Square Garden, plus a little more time to really decipher what my next step plans are and if Manhattan is in my future.


For those of you that may or may not remember at the beginning of my blog posts, I talked about a needed change of scenery.  I've been where I am for the last twelve years, of which has never been a more rich or humbling time for me.  I've created my own small family from the lack thereof.  There are things that were accomplished that astounded me even.  So why leave?  The answer to that question really is, "Why Not"?


My love affair with New York began at around the same time I moved to San Francisco.  If you have ever lived in a small town and have chosen to go to a big one, you become enamored with cities.  San Francisco did that for me at fifteen years old, and then at twenty-two the bug for New York came itching.  


It was around that time that I dated Roderick, who was from NY, temporarily living in California for an internship with a Silicon Valley based company.  He was unlike ANYONE (even to this day) I had ever met before, and we would compare stories about SF and NY.  He would always remark about a couple of things like, "I can't find a place to get a good meal at Three AM here.", or- "Why aren't the exits in CA numbered like NY?", or- "I went to buy you flowers and they gave me a bunch of hassle, so I got you these (a hand picked, from my apt. bunch of assorted flowers... to which my roommates were both impressed and shocked)."


He always wanted me to come out to Manhattan.  I never budged; I don't know why now.  He and I went in two different ways- him to Atlanta then Boston.  Me- well, I stayed in San Francisco... for??  Not much.


Well, I shouldn't really say that- I mean, all of that stuff in the beginning that I spoke of is extremely dear to me.  I would not and could not replace any of the events or people that have been such a part of my life with anything else.  But sometimes, I wonder if I should have just jumped when I had the chance then.


Now, ten years have passed and here we are.  Amongst the sea of bad men, choices, disappointments was someone still itching to get out.  Was it the lure of what he made it for me?  Was I romanticizing it too much?  While I'm not completely sure of that answer, I was sure that I needed change.  This was not going to be my end of the line.


I suppose when I decided to marry my live-in boyfriend five-plus years ago, the big picture per se, was not made immediately aware to me.  I say this because he was a free-loader leaching off of me.  So this dream or rather the dreams I had, were no longer attainable.  They were just thoughts, that never materialized.


Don't assume that my divorce is due to me wanting to live my own dreams.  While that may play a big part in my revelations now, that is not what broke up our marriage.  However, with this new sense of time, anything has now become possible again.


So here I am; with the possibilities that have presented themselves in front of me even beyond even my expectations.  I tried this before now, and it didn't work out at all.  In fact, it worked out horribly, because my timing was off...  Completely off.  Now, things are flowing nicely- perhaps too nicely.  In fact, to certain degree, I'm a little scared of what could happen altogether.


The most intimidating part is whether or not I can really do this again.  Moving to San Francisco was one thing because I did have something there, a support even though things were VERY rough in the beginning.  We made it through for our sanity, and if you ask him today- he'd tell you that we still need each other for that very same thing! 


There is belief in the very core of myself, truly there is  Yet, I wonder where from here.  Do I want to conquer the world?  What do I want to do, merely live in Manhattan or make the rest of my life here.  I could see myself doing both, but I can't see the end of the road as clearly as I could have predicted ten years earlier.


If I don't take this opportunity now, will I never get it again?  I'm certainly not getting any younger.  


Over the past few days that I've been here, Manhattan has given me almost every side of her so far.  From the snowstorm that saw me here last week, extreme temperatures, literary men, late evenings and early mornings, long train rides and even longer walks, empty promises and promises of hope, truth and lies, and bright stinging sunshine that is not only warm enough to melt the snow- but to reveal exactly what is underneath.  I'm sure there is so much more that I have still to experience before I leave at the end of the week, but it's my belief that she's helping me make some clarity to my choice.  


This has brought me to this final quote of the evening from Buddha:


“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”




Whatever the decision is that needs to be made, please let me make the right one.