Today I came to a conclusion; We're all F@%ked UP!

Whether it's nature or nurture, something at a point at our lives has made us who we are.  Good, bad or indifferent.  And guess what; We're all F@%ked UP!

Over conversations with my friends at dinner, work or on the phone- it seems as though we have a list of emotional ailments that seize us and prevent us from living life.  Let me name a few for you:

1. One friend is obsessed with being independent.
2. One friend has the inability to say they love someone.
3. One friend cannot stop spending money to fill the void.
4. One friend obsesses over being successful so they can take care of everyone else (namely their parents).
5. One friend always is on a quest to hurt someone before they hurt them.

Now, thats just a few of the things that I talked about with people this week- seriously.  As I ventured to ask why, there was plenty of avoidance, tears and depth that came from places inside that some hadn't gone to in years.

I suppose it is a culmination of a few things that make us this way.  Past experiences for sure shape our emotional ways of thinking and acting out.  I'm just worried that our obsession with our issues will prevent us from truly feeling and experiencing our lives.  So much happens today in the media, or through social economics that makes us feel inadequate.  The obsession comes from not having what we are "supposed" to have- or never having enough.

Don't you want to fall in love?  Don't you want to be happy?  Don't you think you deserve the best?

If you do, WHY are you letting this crap stop you?

One of my biggest ailments has to do with trust.  I RARELY trust anyone.  Sad isn't it?  I'm always afraid that someone is not acting with the truest of intentions, which just pisses me off. 

I could hide in my house.  I could shield myself from other people. I could live in a bubble- but this time around, I've decided to face it head on.  How much longer can I be afraid of becoming angry because someone betrayed my trust, lied or didn't act the way I wanted them to?  

At some point, you have to wake up and LIVE!

If you haven't read my first post of this blog, or the title alone- it's about my adventure into losing some of my own ailments (or issues).  At some point, you just wake up and go, "What the F@%K is going on?  When will I be in charge of my own life?". Well, I suppose that doesn't speak for everyone but it does speak for me.

The funny part about all of it is that the more and more I speak with my friends, strangers or colleagues- we truly realize that ALL of us are really, really F@%ked up.  No amount of counseling, pills, drugs, alcohol, shopping or eating will cure us.  We have to find the solutions for ourselves, but where do you begin if you have been in some type of disfunction for awhile now?  How do you self medicate?

When I started writing for the purpose of self medication (to a degree...), the last thing I expected was to hear people reveal themselves (some of it was offered, some stories were pulled out of them..) in such a way that it sounded like a personal mid-life crisis (in our twenties and thirties!).

So what do you do from here?  You acknowledge your crap.  You find someone who loves all your crap.  And you realize that you are F@%ked Up, and keep going.  

The amount of damage I've been through with my own upbringing, the failure of my marriage, and my personal internal battles around my own self worth are enough to keep me busy.  Perhaps the acknowledgement of that alone is what gets me through the days.  Once it is acknowledged,  you aren't bound to live through it. It's enough to know that it's there.

To all of my friends and the random strangers I've met along the way... know its ok.  We're all pretty messed up- and once we find the person who loves us unconditionally... what the F@$k does it matter anyway.

Maybe that's why so many people have dogs... it's just easier that way.

Excuse me; Your life is passing before your eyes. You might want to catch it!

One morning while watching the Today show, Matt Lauer featured a story regarding a MSNBC personality Mika Brzezinski, who had recently written a book called, "All Things at Once".  The premise of the book refers to today's modern woman; the one who wants it all- down to the job, husband, kids... you name it.

I was intrigued by the title of the book because, while I'm not sure if it's generational or not, I feel that women that are around my age, who have waited to find a man, or have children for sake of some career are at a point in their lives where they have to stop, gain perspective and choose whether or not to continue on the path they are on... or--- well, I'm even not too sure what that "OR" is.

While I haven't read the book myself, nor am I promoting it publicly (a link is here for a small excerpt of what's in the book itself) the title alone got me to thinking about life, and exactly where I was at that very moment.

I called my one of my best friends who is in the same line of work, only add a husband and three beautiful children to the mix.  Perplexed, and wondering if she felt the same way.

Could we really have it all?  Or in the pursuit of it, had our lives just passed us by?

Right around New Year's, I woke up in the morning just dog tired.  Now you might be tempted to say that the Holidays had finally caught up with me, but I was EXHAUSTED...better yet DONE.

I couldn't believe we were already coming upon New Year's Day at that point, with a looming sinus infection, and the aches and pains I never seemed to recall having before my thirties, I just wanted to rest for a very, VERY long time.

Where the hell had Christmas gone?  What about Thanksgiving?  Was I just excited that each Holiday was another day off?

At that point, I realized that my life had passed before my eyes.  I had dove in head first to create diversions for anything and everything- so I wouldn't have to deal with... well, what ever I didn't want to deal with.  I was too busy being busy, and making some sort of excuse to not be involved.  Now I actually wanted to be.

Realizing how tired I was had more to do than the physical.  Mentally, time had drained me.  I looked around, only to find that I wanted to enjoy those Holidays again.  That it was okay to want to smell the roses.  It wasn't that important to have it all at once, if you couldn't take the time to have it at all.

The title of this blog "My Seven Year Itch", truly fits the definition.  My eyes were opened, I looked around to realize not only what was missing, but what needed to change.  Contrary to what some might think, my desire to change has nothing to do with running.  It has everything to do with GROWING.  That is when you really feel like you have it all.  When you grow and evolve as a person, to experience what life has in front of you-- You get a chance to enjoy the ride.

What had previously defined me, would no longer fit the wants, needs and desires for my future.

Time is not infinite.  We are not here forever.  You must make the most of the time you have and embrace it.