Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

I wake up in the morning and assume that every day will be a good day.  I'm not sure if this is just a learned behavior over the last thirty or so years of my life-- but I rarely wake up feeling like the day is against me from the start.

However, my cheery attitude as of late is being tested, as each and every day is another obstacle.  Nothing that can't be handled, but you have to wonder why you deal with some of it at all.

I found this tonight:

“Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up.”-Unknown

The petty stuff is one thing, but the real stuff- the stuff you shake your head at and say "Why? No really, Why??" is what doesn't make sense.  For instance today's text message that a young man that I work with, twenty-two years old has suffered an aneurysm.  

Twenty- Two.  No one is immortal.

And those are the instances in life where I just want to scream at the sky and ask "Why???".  Why is this happening to someone who has so much life to live?  

I am not a religious person- although some might disagree with me because of a recent post titled, "Rest in Peace" where I quote a prayer often used in Catholic burials.  Yes, I was raised Catholic.  I went to church every Sunday until I was seventeen.  I have also heard that particular prayer more times than I can count.

Today I do not attend mass nearly as frequently.  I have a laundry list of "sins" that would surely forbid me from participating in church activities. Regardless of all that, I still find myself drawn to church to find my center.

This post is not intended to be about religion- but about the "Why".  

Why do things happen to good people?  

How does one thing make sense when something else doesn't?  

Sometimes, I just go to church to find resolution to my unanswered questions about life.  It's a quiet place when my world is too chaotic.  It allows me to have a one on one session with ME in order to sort out the animosity I could begin to feel if I didn't take a moment to sort recent events to a conclusion.

The recent instance I mentioned here about that young man, and other instances of life that have rang true over the last four weeks have FRIED me mentally.

I cannot remember another time where this many intense occurrences have happened at once.

The best advice I ever received was from my Grandma who always referred to her heart as her best intuition as to why things happen.  Not much may make sense at the time, but if the issue can be resolved in your heart- then the reasons behind in may show themselves with clarity.

Which leads me to a favorite quote- which my Grandma had hung in our kitchen.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -Reinhold Niebuhr

My thoughts are with the family of J.P. at this time.  It may not make sense now, but someday may it be resolved in your heart.

Good night.

Complex would be a good word to describe it.

I've got nothing to lose.

The guarded approach I'm taking sure as hell didn't help me in this situation.  And instead of making things right, I've made them worse.

Have you ever had a friendship that was censored?  I can recall only having one *once*.  It was painful, exasperating and frankly too much work.  I could not cut through their resentment of me.

But, if you have someone in your life that you cannot imagine living without, do you go through that pain and simply live the penance?  Or do you cut your losses, and wonder how long you will miss them?

Something that happened this weekend reminded me that we are only human.  We have needs, wants-- we make mistakes.  We have to compensate for the things that we either can't seem to get out of one situation, or we create it at any cost to serve the crazy in our head.  Although we may be older, wisdom comes from experience.  If we are always trying to serve the things we wish we had or need-- wisdom simply goes out the window.

I'm in this relationship now where I know that it's worth fighting for.  There is too much history to not give it my all.  I hesitated last time.  I lost my head because I didn't want to lose more.  Now, it's put me here.  It makes me sick to my stomach-- only because I'm still trying to pinpoint where it should have been fixed.  

Here is the one thing I know.  I have nothing to lose by giving it everything I have.  There is no reason to hold back my feelings.  There's no need to play possum.  If it should have been said already, it will be.

And if all is still lost in the end... then... Well, I don't know about then.  

I'm just tired of losing people.

Today I came to a conclusion; We're all F@%ked UP!

Whether it's nature or nurture, something at a point at our lives has made us who we are.  Good, bad or indifferent.  And guess what; We're all F@%ked UP!

Over conversations with my friends at dinner, work or on the phone- it seems as though we have a list of emotional ailments that seize us and prevent us from living life.  Let me name a few for you:

1. One friend is obsessed with being independent.
2. One friend has the inability to say they love someone.
3. One friend cannot stop spending money to fill the void.
4. One friend obsesses over being successful so they can take care of everyone else (namely their parents).
5. One friend always is on a quest to hurt someone before they hurt them.

Now, thats just a few of the things that I talked about with people this week- seriously.  As I ventured to ask why, there was plenty of avoidance, tears and depth that came from places inside that some hadn't gone to in years.

I suppose it is a culmination of a few things that make us this way.  Past experiences for sure shape our emotional ways of thinking and acting out.  I'm just worried that our obsession with our issues will prevent us from truly feeling and experiencing our lives.  So much happens today in the media, or through social economics that makes us feel inadequate.  The obsession comes from not having what we are "supposed" to have- or never having enough.

Don't you want to fall in love?  Don't you want to be happy?  Don't you think you deserve the best?

If you do, WHY are you letting this crap stop you?

One of my biggest ailments has to do with trust.  I RARELY trust anyone.  Sad isn't it?  I'm always afraid that someone is not acting with the truest of intentions, which just pisses me off. 

I could hide in my house.  I could shield myself from other people. I could live in a bubble- but this time around, I've decided to face it head on.  How much longer can I be afraid of becoming angry because someone betrayed my trust, lied or didn't act the way I wanted them to?  

At some point, you have to wake up and LIVE!

If you haven't read my first post of this blog, or the title alone- it's about my adventure into losing some of my own ailments (or issues).  At some point, you just wake up and go, "What the F@%K is going on?  When will I be in charge of my own life?". Well, I suppose that doesn't speak for everyone but it does speak for me.

The funny part about all of it is that the more and more I speak with my friends, strangers or colleagues- we truly realize that ALL of us are really, really F@%ked up.  No amount of counseling, pills, drugs, alcohol, shopping or eating will cure us.  We have to find the solutions for ourselves, but where do you begin if you have been in some type of disfunction for awhile now?  How do you self medicate?

When I started writing for the purpose of self medication (to a degree...), the last thing I expected was to hear people reveal themselves (some of it was offered, some stories were pulled out of them..) in such a way that it sounded like a personal mid-life crisis (in our twenties and thirties!).

So what do you do from here?  You acknowledge your crap.  You find someone who loves all your crap.  And you realize that you are F@%ked Up, and keep going.  

The amount of damage I've been through with my own upbringing, the failure of my marriage, and my personal internal battles around my own self worth are enough to keep me busy.  Perhaps the acknowledgement of that alone is what gets me through the days.  Once it is acknowledged,  you aren't bound to live through it. It's enough to know that it's there.

To all of my friends and the random strangers I've met along the way... know its ok.  We're all pretty messed up- and once we find the person who loves us unconditionally... what the F@$k does it matter anyway.

Maybe that's why so many people have dogs... it's just easier that way.