Men

It never ceases to amaze me when grown men start the exploration of the female species in search of a relationship.

It's rather endearing to watch you change your tone of voice, your inflections in speech, watch how you dress differently and mind your mannerisms.  Sometimes, it's in such vast contrast that it becomes shocking and alluring all at the same time.

Now here's where you really get interesting.  It's when you want to have a "conversation".  Most men I know have little conversation.  It's not that they don't talk, they just don't talk THAT MUCH.  But, it's ok-- because it's all part of the exploration.  You're appealing to a woman's ears, which connect to her heart.  I can appreciate that.

Four hours later, after maybe a plate of this or that, a cocktail or two-- the conversation ends.  

"Shall we do this again?"- you ask... which must mean you have some level of interest, otherwise why keep talking right?

The next meeting is more for show.  You have deciphered the female, you now know what it is you want to show her.  You go into "Peacock Mode"- and even bring out the heavy artillery.  Cigars.  Twelve-Year Old Whiskey. Old stories or photos that show how you once were. Your Perfectly Pressed Dress Shirt-- all in the name of showing her that you listened all along and here you were in the flesh.

Here's the problem.

She liked you anyway.  All of that never really mattered.  And in the next four hours that commence, you begin to wonder if you made a mistake.  She is far deeper than you imagined, and even all the cigar smoke, whiskey, pictures and starch can't quite cut it.

This time as the conversation gets deeper, you may begin to understand what she is really saying. If you didn't, here's some help.

All the accessories weren't required.  If she invested the time, you're worth it.  

You didn't need to smoke that cigar, or drink the whiskey.  

You're investment of the first four hours were plenty.  

She liked you when you were having all that conversation, when you were your true self and appreciated her the same.

You finish the night and part ways.  "We will see each other very soon...", you say.

Even after all that, the ball is in your court. 

She is still waiting for you to call, and even when you don't call then-- she might still be waiting after all those years.

Trust your "Hunter Mode" fellas... You had her at hello.

A Few Things I Can Live Without

Just the other day, someone had asked me a little about my family, my most recent aspirations and dreams.


It's funny because the normal answer to all of those questions as "small talk"  tends to be something like-- "Oh yeah, my family is close by... we see each other every holiday.  I go over on Sundays, my mom makes me dinner."


That is SO FAR from my truth.  Here is an example of what my conversation usually looks like.


Them: "So do you have any family close by?"


Me: "Umm... No.  In fact, I have no family- just me."


Them: "What do you mean?"


Me: "Well, I'm an only child-- and my mom passed away three years ago."


Them: "Oh wow, I'm sorry- do you have children, husband?"


Me: "Not exactly.  I got rid of my husband, and children just aren't my cup of tea."


**Insert anxiety here**


Them: "Oh, that's too bad.  You're not lonely are you?"


GEEZUS!


No thank you!  I am NOT lonely.  I'd rather be alone than to be with an idiot.  And kids, well-- maybe it was due to being an only child, but being around other children, seeing other children, and thinking about other children makes me search for my happy place.  


What if kids just came out grown up?  Like at the age of thirteen or something, hell-- Just old enough for me to sort of reason with them.


And about being with an idiot.  Don't get me wrong.  My ex-husband was good for a few things, one being killing bugs, another being fetching me a drink and lastly well-- I'm reaching now.


As for my family, I DO miss them.  I miss my grandparents who raised me.  I miss my mom because she was just crazy.  It is a little weird being the last of your immediate family, so what are you left to do?  You are left to make your own.


I have several "brothers", and "sisters".  There are surrogate "mothers" and "fathers".  They are the folks to continue to keep me sane in this craziness called life.  


Overall, the life that keeps me going is filled with colorful people, activities and rarely a dull moment.  It is a rare occurrence that I feel bored or lost for something to do.  


However from time to time, there are moments where companionship is missed.  There are moments where my thoughts linger on the thought that it could be like this for awhile-- just me, looking for something I could see myself living with.


But the idiot and the kids I can really live without.

Hello Square One- It's Nice to See You Again.

Everyone has one.  The person you reminisce about when you think of love, partnership or the ideal mate.  It isn't rare for you not to speak of them fondly, and some crazy circumstance usually is the reason why they got away. Let me list a few for you:

• They moved
• They found someone else
• They were convinced by YOU that it would never happen

Ok, so while I could only think of these three instances, it didn't have to end that way.  Chances are that if you would have opened your mouth a little sooner with the TRUTH, they would have been the one that STAYED.

Once a week, I meet with my "Relationship Guru".  He is not a therapist.  He is not a psychic.  He is a simple man who throughout the course of his life has attempted to give and receive love in a multitude of ways.  He can begin with a grade school girlfriend at 13 all the way to today, and relive with me every single episode, every single woman, every heartache and now how he finally accepted the love in his life.

We meet more for conversation than anything else.  I find his stories fascinating- and no lie, they are generally told over beer and appetizers. 

We also meet because I realize that no matter how much I believe to know about men, I am HORRIBLE at relationships.  So, he's my coach.  

I've shared with him all of my substantial loves from my teenage years to now- painstakingly going over what/why/where something went wrong.  The funny part is that as he hears my account of it he always points out to me just where I should have "seen it". 

Seen what? -- I always ask him this.

I should have seen how someone really, really liked me-- Unconditionally. But *I* made it hard.

Do you know how crazy it is to hear that?  I mean all my Guru is hearing all of this in a one sided account--- And, I might be romanticizing a few things-- BUT there are always a few things he picks up on that makes him stop and say, "didn't you see that?"

Fuck.

So, as we have chronicled my love life- all the way from my first junior high crush to the very complicated state of now, we have been able to timeline each person with a label.  Yes, I have run the gammet with the variety of men I've dated.  And as he is quick to point out- an Equal Opportunity Partner.  Good lord.

But right now, after I discussed with him one of my relationships also known as TOTGA (The One That Got Away) in 2002-ish, he is noticing the same actions coming through almost 10 years later.  Do I have a pattern?  

Without him, I would have never realized some of the signs that I was guilty of THEN and NOW-- not only that, but men usually send the same signs even though they have drastically different personalities.

He asked me, "Do you want to have another one that gets away?".

Seriously?  How does this happen...

But why did that even happen in the first place?  Why did someone get away? What did happen to make things so weird?

In the beginning, I mentioned the reasons why people leave-- the real reason is that YOU (or them, I suppose)  didn't have the courage to make it work-- and by the time you found your courage it was too late.

While I'm not sure whether or not his tactical advice will work, I know that he has helped me realize that when you have something special with someone--YOU can control your very own destiny in its outcome.  If you choose not to pursue something when it's there, don't expect it to still be there when you finally want it.  BUT, if it TRULY means something to the both of you-- and you will see this (well, I will now...) then GO FOR IT.  Don't hesitate.  Fuck getting hurt.  Stop waiting for the right time.  Just do it.

You may have read my recent Twitter update below:

I think you need to have one relationship that you screw up in order to make you appreciate the next one that comes along.about 8 hours ago via UberTwitter
As a result of all the tutelage from my Guru, I've now realized just how many relationships have been screwed up by Yours Truly.  Some weren't meant to be at all, but most-- could have been the right one that stayed.
Oh, back to square one again, but this time with a manual.  Thanks Guru.

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.” --SJP

Complex would be a good word to describe it.

I've got nothing to lose.

The guarded approach I'm taking sure as hell didn't help me in this situation.  And instead of making things right, I've made them worse.

Have you ever had a friendship that was censored?  I can recall only having one *once*.  It was painful, exasperating and frankly too much work.  I could not cut through their resentment of me.

But, if you have someone in your life that you cannot imagine living without, do you go through that pain and simply live the penance?  Or do you cut your losses, and wonder how long you will miss them?

Something that happened this weekend reminded me that we are only human.  We have needs, wants-- we make mistakes.  We have to compensate for the things that we either can't seem to get out of one situation, or we create it at any cost to serve the crazy in our head.  Although we may be older, wisdom comes from experience.  If we are always trying to serve the things we wish we had or need-- wisdom simply goes out the window.

I'm in this relationship now where I know that it's worth fighting for.  There is too much history to not give it my all.  I hesitated last time.  I lost my head because I didn't want to lose more.  Now, it's put me here.  It makes me sick to my stomach-- only because I'm still trying to pinpoint where it should have been fixed.  

Here is the one thing I know.  I have nothing to lose by giving it everything I have.  There is no reason to hold back my feelings.  There's no need to play possum.  If it should have been said already, it will be.

And if all is still lost in the end... then... Well, I don't know about then.  

I'm just tired of losing people.

The Truth

Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  I had planned on saving this for another blog, but I figure no time like the present.

My ex lives in Central America. He went there after we separated, and has been there since 2009.  We met in 2004, quickly moved in together and got married in 2007.  As you can see from the short timeline, we were fast and furious with our relationship.

I hadn't spoken with him in a couple of months, so when he emailed me recently needing to talk, I was skeptical about the nature of the conversation.  He has always had a flare for the dramatic, so something small can be a big deal.

Overall, the conversation was pleasant as he caught me up on his life.  He let me know that he was trying to forgive everyone and everything.  It seems as though he has found peace that way.  In fact, after the divorce he would like to remain friends.

My ex had previously prided himself on never being friends with any "Ex", so I ask him why me.  Why would he spit all of that venom at me previously and still want to be my friend?

He replied,  "You're a good person.  You have always been a good person, probably the best thing that ever happened to me.  I just would like to keep you in my life somehow."

After that was out in the open, he decided to give me the latest update on him, and how he had chosen to commit himself to a Mental Institution because he had stopped sleeping, eating and overall living.  Do I believe him?  Overwhelmingly, yes.  He was at a critical point months ago, and when he was served the divorce papers, it became even worse.

What really got to me tonight was how he started to play the victim, so I wouldn't let him.  Instead, I reminded him of his indiscretions, his faults, how he had lied to me, and how that all contributed to the demise of our marriage.  I told him I knew- about the affairs, about the acts, about his trouble with the law-- all of it. Every single word.  Every single lie.  Every single lack of reasoning on his part that I was aware of.

You might think after reading that, "Wow, that's pretty heavy."-- and it is.  You see, this man was the one man that I believed in.  The one that I didn't think would do any of that to me after being wound so tightly that my heart wouldn't even let sunlight in.  Afterall, I MARRIED him right?

While I believed that honesty was the best policy, he chose to partake in deviant acts, lie about his income, taxes, past behaviors and previous marriage- all while making me feel like the smallest person in the world for not being a better wife. I was the breadwinner of the household, and really didn't feel like kissing, sucking or f@%king by the end of the day.  Yes, as some would tell me- a shot to the male ego.  Understandable, however- I was exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally.

My mother had lied to me my entire childhood.  I was so good at deciphering those lies that she told me to "spare my feelings", when in reality she was looking out for her own interests. Maybe it was her body language or avoidance of topics as they came up, but I could always tell if someone was being honest with me or not- sort of like a sixth sense.  The same patterns of behavior that I began to see in my ex after being together for a bit.

So, as our relationship progressed a couple of things happened.

• One, was that I was in love with someone who I thought was him, but really wasn't.  
• Two, even though there were PLENTY of warning signs, I believed that if we just got married, that it would fix everything- right!? 
• Three, I just got to the point that I didn't trust anymore that I began to doubt myself.  Was I not worthy enough to be with someone who wanted to be truthful with me?

Tonight, he opened up that third wound with a fierce intensity so great that the tears were impossible to hold back.  After all, I gave myself to him.  Admittedly, I don't give myself to ANYONE and here he was telling me that he wanted to forgive ME?!?  I couldn't stand it.  It was enough to hear his voice, and then tell him off about how he thought he was discreetly hiding his own lies, but for him to come after my heart and how I trust others-- it just sent me over the edge.

The hardest part about a breakup is rehabilitating your heart.  No matter how much I hate the sound of his voice or the sight of his emails, I'm still ripped apart.  He broke my heart in the worst way because I trusted him enough to let him have it.  I couldn't stop the tears once they began. He opened up the dam of my emotions.

There were some beautiful things about my ex, not all bad.  He acknowledged a few things tonight, that made me feel like he was human for a minute.  Afterall, he said that I had been the best thing that had ever happened to him.  He told me that after all this time, he will finally concede to what I want, and will give me a divorce because he loves me still.  He told me that all I had to do is say the word, and he would be back to try again if I wanted to.  All I could do or say were in the sounds of my tears.  I remained speechless for a couple of minutes just to muster a sound to let him know I was still on the phone.

My ex was not everything, but above all things- he was just a person that got me.  Yes, even though some of his acts were despicable he still found the very core of me.  He got the opportunity to see me in the rawest form, which is rare.  And however tempting the offer was of him coming back into my life again; no amount of money, riches or minerals could make me go back there.  It was a bittersweet place in my life that I don't see myself being in ever again.

You can say that I am tightly wound again.  So wound that only the tears let the pressure out.  My thought as a young girl was that you would get married for love.  I waited because I thought I was sure, but I failed.  I failed in finding the right person to take care of my heart. 

I wish that he knew the depth of what I've discovered about him.  I wish he could see how fragmented my heart has become.  I wish he could hear the tears that I am still crying now as I write this.  And the last thing I wish for is that he leaves my life just as peaceful as it was before he came in it.  I can't go back to zero, but perhaps I can start where I left off--  Tear free, head held high, hopeful for the best of whatever comes my way next.

Just tell me-- When will my heart stop aching?

Today I came to a conclusion; We're all F@%ked UP!

Whether it's nature or nurture, something at a point at our lives has made us who we are.  Good, bad or indifferent.  And guess what; We're all F@%ked UP!

Over conversations with my friends at dinner, work or on the phone- it seems as though we have a list of emotional ailments that seize us and prevent us from living life.  Let me name a few for you:

1. One friend is obsessed with being independent.
2. One friend has the inability to say they love someone.
3. One friend cannot stop spending money to fill the void.
4. One friend obsesses over being successful so they can take care of everyone else (namely their parents).
5. One friend always is on a quest to hurt someone before they hurt them.

Now, thats just a few of the things that I talked about with people this week- seriously.  As I ventured to ask why, there was plenty of avoidance, tears and depth that came from places inside that some hadn't gone to in years.

I suppose it is a culmination of a few things that make us this way.  Past experiences for sure shape our emotional ways of thinking and acting out.  I'm just worried that our obsession with our issues will prevent us from truly feeling and experiencing our lives.  So much happens today in the media, or through social economics that makes us feel inadequate.  The obsession comes from not having what we are "supposed" to have- or never having enough.

Don't you want to fall in love?  Don't you want to be happy?  Don't you think you deserve the best?

If you do, WHY are you letting this crap stop you?

One of my biggest ailments has to do with trust.  I RARELY trust anyone.  Sad isn't it?  I'm always afraid that someone is not acting with the truest of intentions, which just pisses me off. 

I could hide in my house.  I could shield myself from other people. I could live in a bubble- but this time around, I've decided to face it head on.  How much longer can I be afraid of becoming angry because someone betrayed my trust, lied or didn't act the way I wanted them to?  

At some point, you have to wake up and LIVE!

If you haven't read my first post of this blog, or the title alone- it's about my adventure into losing some of my own ailments (or issues).  At some point, you just wake up and go, "What the F@%K is going on?  When will I be in charge of my own life?". Well, I suppose that doesn't speak for everyone but it does speak for me.

The funny part about all of it is that the more and more I speak with my friends, strangers or colleagues- we truly realize that ALL of us are really, really F@%ked up.  No amount of counseling, pills, drugs, alcohol, shopping or eating will cure us.  We have to find the solutions for ourselves, but where do you begin if you have been in some type of disfunction for awhile now?  How do you self medicate?

When I started writing for the purpose of self medication (to a degree...), the last thing I expected was to hear people reveal themselves (some of it was offered, some stories were pulled out of them..) in such a way that it sounded like a personal mid-life crisis (in our twenties and thirties!).

So what do you do from here?  You acknowledge your crap.  You find someone who loves all your crap.  And you realize that you are F@%ked Up, and keep going.  

The amount of damage I've been through with my own upbringing, the failure of my marriage, and my personal internal battles around my own self worth are enough to keep me busy.  Perhaps the acknowledgement of that alone is what gets me through the days.  Once it is acknowledged,  you aren't bound to live through it. It's enough to know that it's there.

To all of my friends and the random strangers I've met along the way... know its ok.  We're all pretty messed up- and once we find the person who loves us unconditionally... what the F@$k does it matter anyway.

Maybe that's why so many people have dogs... it's just easier that way.

Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon...

It's been a bit since I've posted, and although I'd like to tell you that my life is full of adventure and mayhem- all I can say is that it has been pretty quiet around here.


I have been thinking, (which can be dangerous for some people) about the relationships; specifically how people and the relationships they are in evolve.


Let me share this quote with you and tell me if it strikes a chord:


“Well it seems to me that the best relationships—the ones that last— are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is.. suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.”- Gillian Anderson


Now, I'm not sure if this is how real love happens, because I (believe it or not) still have yet to experience this.  I find that at some point, this does happen- but is it when it's too late? Has one person evolved before the other even understands the meaning of the word?


The recent Playboy article featuring John Mayer  gives a recap of this evolution to some effect, as he refers to his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, who is 8 years his senior.  


PLAYBOY: You said that song (Heartbreak Warfare) isn’t about Aniston. Why is it important for people to know that?
MAYER: I’m very protective of Jen.
PLAYBOY: Do you still love her?
MAYER: Yes, always. I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.
PLAYBOY: Last June she was given an award from Women in Film. In her acceptance speech she pointed out that the titles of her films closely parallel her private life. Then she asked if anyone in the audience had “a project titled Everlasting Love With an Adult, Stable Male.” It seems as if she was referring to you.
MAYER: I imagine I’ve got something to do with that. Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.


PLAYBOY: The way you talk about being 32 sounds as though you were too immature for Aniston.
MAYER: No, the actual day-to-day was fantastic. I have to explain this so people don’t say, “Sure, you’re 32, and you want to fuck other chicks.” If you say I’m not adult and stable, it sounds as though I’m someone who’s watching football and playing Xbox. I have this bond with infinite possibility—when I go out to dinner, I bring another shirt, a flashlight, a knife, a hard drive, a camera. It’s not like I wanted to be with somebody else. I want to be with myself, still, and lie in bed only with the infinite unknown. That’s 32, man.


I've had three men, ok--FOUR men that I've truly loved.  One of them got away.  I deeply regret not noticing the signs like I should have.  It was a combination of not noticing, not accepting that it was the right "time" and not thinking I was worthy.  I was a fool.


If it's meant to happen, I guess that time really does sync correctly.  When TOTGA (the-one-that-got-away) finally wanted to settle down, he wasn't looking for a girl, but a woman.  


Could you have called me a woman at 25-26?  Was I similar in thought to JM by saying that, "I needed to be twenty-something" like he states, "I needed to be 32" ?  It was like all of these deeply rooted feelings, which were far beyond his years, were something he was faced with as the other person started their evolution.  Was it wrong not to feel the same?  Was it selfish to want to live his youth and be 32?


In a very weird way, I can identify with this coming of age dilemma. Perhaps I identify with it most because I feel as though I've come of age over the last 5 years. I've grown into my own skin.  I'm comfortable being a woman, not a girl (certainly, I was not the woman I am today...). The experiences I've encountered, I wouldn't change for the world, even though the circumstances surrounding them may piss me off.  


If I never had the time in my twenties to make mistakes, fall in quasi-love, and live in my own angst- I wouldn't be ready for what comes though the door next- or when I get the opportunity to see the person next to me a clearly as the quote describes above.  


There is a higher element of attraction now than there ever was in my twenties.  It has to do with experience; furthermore, confidence.  


Because once you have given yourself the room to live, then you know you have the will to do so.

Over 35 and single? There has to be a catch.

Maybe it's just been this weekend, or the recent astrological change of Jupiter (I'm not an expert, I just seem to know these things) but there have been more sexual innuendos this week than I can remember.

Not only has there been innuendo, but there has also been discussions at length with friends, strangers and cynical individuals about love and sexuality. Maybe it's the winter that makes us feel so repressed that the onset of spring makes us feel liberated enough to talk about these topics.  Who knows, but it definitely has given me enough material for my entry this evening.

Tonight while enjoying a few choice beverages at a local bar, I had the pleasure of meeting Jason.  A thirty-something guy, still single- still looking who by all accounts looked average, healthy, sane.  A teacher, who enjoys the perks and downfalls of that profession.  All in all, a very nice guy who is still in search of someone.

So what's the problem?  Well, come to find out that Jason has never had a real relationship with someone.  You know, living together- for longer than 6 months, or the casual hook-up.  He is the consumate bachelor.  A ton of female friends, lots of "numbers in the book", but not a love in his heart to call his own.

Jason spends his time hanging with his "crew", meeting more ladies to put in "the book".  He tends to leave just when things get too close, because, "it's just better that way...cleaner".  He doesn't ever think he's going to settle down, even if secretly inside he really wants to. 


"I just can't find the right one and if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it."  When did men become scared?

Somehow, the mix of cocktails and good music allow Jason and I to connect.  He feels comfortable enough to open up to me and give me the truth about his situation, which I find fascinating.  As I'm coming out of my marriage, it's been a minute since I've been back in the dating game, so any interaction for my own "educational purposes"  is a godsend.

Usually, for a thirty-something female, the pickings are... well picked through.  You have a couple of choices:  A- Has baggage, B-Has no baggage, but is younger than you, C- He has baggage, but they are all your age or D- He's Gay.  


So, when you do meet a 35 year old single male, you begin to wonder just what the hell happened?  Did he live with his parents?  Was he a "late bloomer"?  What's the catch?  


This past Monday or Tuesday, after watching the "Today Show with Kathie Lee and Sharon Osborne" (if you haven't already noticed, I'm a fan of "Today"), they tacked a subject called the "Male Midlife Crisis".  Brilliant!  Perhaps they had it all figured out!


What was amazing for me to hear was the male apprehension to commit for lack of being able to provide?  I'm not sure if that is as necessary since more and more women become successful in their own right, or provide for the family on their income alone. Instead of succumbing to the pressure of marriage or relationships, some men just choose to lay low for awhile- and in some cases, continue the practices that Jason mentions above.  Anyhow, it was an interesting point of view from a male perspective.  You can read the "Male Midlife Crisis" here. 


Overall, the freedom we longed for.  The independence from men, when some of us were very influenced by our mother's dependence on men... well, perhaps it's too much for the male psyche to bear, or it's ruined the delicate balance of relationships and growth.

Manners

I am firm believer in manners.  Everything from eating with the right fork to saying "please", "thank you" and "yes ma'am".


I also believe that manners should exist in and out of the bedroom.  Yes, I went there.  Just because you're not in public doesn't mean you get to turn into a hick.


Now, I may be a little rusty getting back into the "scene", but the last time I checked there were still certain things that just should be done if you planned on keeping someone around for longer than a minute- even if it wasn't meant to be serious, but rather "convenient".


Where should we begin? Hmm, let's see where to start...

1. ALWAYS let a lady go first.  IN PUBLIC and IN THE BEDROOM.  You will be a GOD if you follow this rule.
2. Don't call at all hours of the night; If you do call late, it should be to make sure we made it home okay.
3. Don't imply that we could be couple in public.  If this is a hook up there will be NO public affection.
4. Leave when we ask you to.  Don't linger, don't stick around to see what else might happen.  It looks desperate. Say "goodbye" and "I'll see you soon".
5. Don't call us- WE will call you.  And when we do, thank us for calling- saying "What's Up?!" sounds vile.

And that my friends, is the end.  My apologies for my rant, but it needed to be said.  It had been on my mind all week.

Why I'm glad my twenties are over....

I decided that I was going to venture out today, with my laptop to my local Peet's and start writing.  My hope was to be inspired by seeing others around me.  This week has been a hard one, and I've had a really hard time putting things in perspective.

I love to people watch; the behavior of others truly fascinates me.  Figuring that it was a Saturday and all, I knew that I would be exposed to an eclectic cross section of people.

It was a good thirty minutes before anyone caught my attention.  Well, I suppose I should say that my eavesdropping probably led me to a conversation more than anything.  Two young men, having a conversation about girls.  Yes, I said GIRLS; not women.  The point of contention was around the one guy thinking about dating an older woman, while the friend was dating a younger girl.  How young?  Well, she could buy porn and vote- but couldn't enjoy a three olive martini in a bar, even if she wanted to.

To be honest, I was a little taken back that these two were talking openly and candidly concerning relationships.  It has been said that men actually do speak more about relationships than women,  sometimes feeling the need to brag or compare to another male for consensus or status.  Anyhow, it was like seeing something you only see in the wild being reenacted in front of my eyes.

As I continued to eavesdrop, with my nonfat caramel latte on my right and surfing the web for designer eyewear, one of the guys decided he was going to ask my opinion.

Since I couldn't say, "Hey, I've been listening to your conversation the entire time- so here is my POV..." I let him explain why he felt it was important to add an older woman to his dating "portfolio".

As much as I would like to flatter myself and say I don't look a day over twenty-five, he knew who he was talking to; a thirty-something female, sitting at a coffee shop with nothing better to do, listening to them.  This was the most action I had seen all week! Ha!

He went on to explain his side of the coin, about how older women are more sure of themselves... more experienced.  They know what they want and don't want.  He said there was this woman who he worked with who was in her thirties who looked like "she could teach him a few things...".

His friend asked him why he wanted "old goods" (and after he said that, he turned to me and said, "no offense..." uggh...), especially when there was that "other girl that keeps tellin' you she wants to hook up, you know the one that is really hot... the one that was dancing on the bar last weekend.. you know... so-and-so's friend...".

It was after that comment that I remembered why I'm glad my twenties are over.

Dancing on bars?  Yeah, that was reserved for my twenties.  Calling or paging (boy, that dates me!) at all hours of the night?  Yeah, that was my twenties too.  Acting STUPID just to get a guys attention to boost HIS ego?  Yep, that was my twenties too.  Having plenty of bad sex?  OH YEAH, my twenties was all about that.

But, in my thirties I realized that all of that bullshit that my twenties taught me, allowed me to fully understand just what kind of woman I was.  I'm not even sure when the transition happened.  Nonetheless- my needs, wants and desires became crystal clear in my thirties.  I know what good sex feels like, acts like and looks like.  I know that I don't have to act stupid to boost a man's ego so he can be attracted to me.  I can actually be SMART because my mind and point of view is more attractive.  I know that I'm hitting my peak, so someone better be able to keep up with me...

The quote of the night came from the guy who wanted to experience an older woman... "You know what they say, the older the berry- the sweeter the juice...."

Truthfully, at that point- I wasn't sure if I was creeped out or flattered.  So I decided to dive back into surfing the web.

You know, most of my relationships have been with men who have been older than me.  Some by many, many moons- some by just months or days.   All of them taught me something about myself.  Each of them added a little more "swagger" to my step.  And some of them, well frankly I wish we had never met.

I get the feeling of confidence you get from an "older" soul.  There is nothing like being with someone who knows what they want and has a goal.  I guess that's when you know you're ready for something isn't it?  When the size of your goals and ambitions become important-- not how quickly you can get into bed with "x" number of people.

But I do have to say, as an thirty-something female who is hitting her peak, that conversation gave me more confidence in the person I am today,  than any self help book could have given me.

Thank you Mr. Coffee Shop guy, and I hope you get your girl- or should I say, woman.

Well, Hello There...

I bet you're wondering how you got here. Maybe you were doing a search on Marilyn Monroe, or you always wondered what the movie was about. Or, maybe you wanted to know just how the term related to you. Well, whatever the reason- Welcome!

This detailed account of my life begins because I've had enough. Yes, enough of not doing the things you should do with your life by now. Enough of the bullshit excuses, about why this and that never happened. Enough of the "later" and "never". Enough of the bad decisions about people because you didn't believe in yourself, and most of all, enough about not taking care of ME!

Twenty-Ten will begin a chain of events to include the following:

• Ending of a Toxic Relationship.
• Losing the cloak of myself that I'm hiding under.
• Change of Scenery; much needed.

Here was my outstanding horoscope that began the new year. I was pretty proud of it myself...

"Organizing and cleaning the skeletons out of your closet will be burning the most fuel in your brain and body, as you’re over carrying around all that crap and being so overly sentimental about everything — especially since it’s been so thankless. This will then mean finally being able to listen and truly trusting yourself in a way you never have before. The result will mean being more spontaneous and working out new ways to pursue your ambitions. Yes, boredom finally will get the best of you and you’ll have had it with being safe. Expect to venture off to new places, reach out to new types of people and possibly make a drastic change to your image too. Nothing old will seem of value anymore and the more you try new things, the more your confidence will soar, as you will see that you don’t need to stick to any of those ideals you once held so dear. Yes, your amazing power of persistence will no longer have to hit brick walls to change your direction. New possibilities you create will be all the inspiration you’ll need to melt apprehensions away.”



It had me pegged. That was exactly how I was feeling. That was exactly what I was thinking... It was in tune with everything I wanted to get started this year.

My journey has started. It's bound to be a long one. I hope you'll join me all along the way.