Living Like You Knew You Were Dying

Sounds like a good topic doesn't it?  It absolutely is, and frankly has pushed me into thinking about "five year type" planning again.


The conversation started simply-- a question my friend posed to me as we walked around Union Square in NYC.  


If you knew when you were dying what would you do differently?


The question can easily turn into things like timing.  So what if you knew you only had until forty-five?  Then what choices would you have made?  Would you have married "X" vs "Y"? Would you have told that one special person you loved them?  Would you have had more children?  Maybe taken that skydive out of that plane?


This topic is not in it's morbidity-- I mean timing is not infinite and we always talk about "Carpe Diem".  But do we really "seize the day" and live with the same amount of vigor we had a children when we wished that we would get older and wiser-- when we wished we could drink a beer, light a cigarette or buy porn faster.


Now imagine if you will, me sitting here in NY- humid as ever and drinking an ice cold Anchor Steam beer.  It's heaven let me tell you.  Today had a breeze, but no doubt was still hot and moist. And after making a quick stop at a book store to refresh ourselves- the question remained in my mind as we rode back on the subway to this apartment.  Perhaps if I lived life like I was dying at thirty-five, then what more would I be compelled to do- or would that nagging little voice in my head tell me to be careful or otherwise... something "might" happen.  


The thing is- you never know until you try. 


From time to time I think about my twenties--fearless was my perception.  Naive- probably the perception of others.  But I had moxie.  I had drive.  Where did it go-- and now that I've given myself until thirty-five, will it provide me with the kick in the ass to get me moving along?


Now I'm in the planning stages.  I'll keep you posted.  The biggest fear I have is losing what I am accustomed to today.  But if I'm not really living to my fullest, does it really matter anyway?  


Now, for those of you who do read my thoughts regularly-- this would seem to be a contradiction of my previous post called "Turning Point".  I reference not having a plan or rather having a plan that makes sense for me.  I still believe that point applies today, only if you enact on it.  Nothing will move forward without some sort of inertia.  


And lastly, is this quote to chew on.  Thought it would be appropriate given the topic-- 


“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”

—	Susan Sontag

Turning Point

There comes a time in everyone's life when the history of their past hits them in the face.  It's almost like people wake up, look around and wonder how the hell you ended up where you are today.


Now, I'm not just talking about the geographical location of where someone is, but the actual place that you have come to be in your life.  Are you where you expected to be by now?  Is your life going according to your plan?


To be honest, I hadn't really thought about all of that in a bit.  I had been too preoccupied with the opportunities that were in New York and locally.  My focus is on getting my divorce papers finalized.  It actually feels more like the beginning of my life versus the time where I should be taking stock to see if I made it.


But just for fun, I attempted to think back to the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was Thirty-Five.  For the most part, everything that was on my list had been accomplished.


After getting married, enjoying a fabulous career, living in a major city, having a host of good friends-- is there more?


YES- is the answer.  But you have to remember to not give up, because Thirty-Five is not the end of your life.


There is more life in me today than there was even seven years ago (hence, the seven year itch).  Things seem very clear to me when before they were not.  It is certainly more calming to live and learn from life experiences, than to be young and unsure.


My wants are not the same as they were when I was twenty-one, and they shouldn't be. Instead, they are the wants of a woman who knows what SHE WANTS, who is not afraid to ask for it and believes that her self respect will make it worth waiting for.  


Am I living a five or ten year plan?  Not any more- but I am living a plan that makes sense to me.  There is still time to see the world. Plenty of time to meet new people and forge new relationships.  Actually, there is enough time to do anything that you put your mind to, period.


What is meant to come our way shall do so.  It cannot be forced, manipulated or coaxed.  Some might day that it's even more than the universe- but more like Karma.  


If that's the case- take heed to this quote.  It arrived in front of my eyes at the perfect time...

"Treat people as you would like to be treated. Karma's only a bitch if you are." --Unknown

Ha!  Maybe my ex-husband stumbled across my blog and read that-- I can only hope!

Until next time- sorry for my delays in writing, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks!