Complex would be a good word to describe it.

I've got nothing to lose.

The guarded approach I'm taking sure as hell didn't help me in this situation.  And instead of making things right, I've made them worse.

Have you ever had a friendship that was censored?  I can recall only having one *once*.  It was painful, exasperating and frankly too much work.  I could not cut through their resentment of me.

But, if you have someone in your life that you cannot imagine living without, do you go through that pain and simply live the penance?  Or do you cut your losses, and wonder how long you will miss them?

Something that happened this weekend reminded me that we are only human.  We have needs, wants-- we make mistakes.  We have to compensate for the things that we either can't seem to get out of one situation, or we create it at any cost to serve the crazy in our head.  Although we may be older, wisdom comes from experience.  If we are always trying to serve the things we wish we had or need-- wisdom simply goes out the window.

I'm in this relationship now where I know that it's worth fighting for.  There is too much history to not give it my all.  I hesitated last time.  I lost my head because I didn't want to lose more.  Now, it's put me here.  It makes me sick to my stomach-- only because I'm still trying to pinpoint where it should have been fixed.  

Here is the one thing I know.  I have nothing to lose by giving it everything I have.  There is no reason to hold back my feelings.  There's no need to play possum.  If it should have been said already, it will be.

And if all is still lost in the end... then... Well, I don't know about then.  

I'm just tired of losing people.