I'm Writing Again.

The Heart of My Life


I started looking around and noticed that I had left quite a few things untouched on...http://tumblr.com/xjsls4ulp

Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

I wake up in the morning and assume that every day will be a good day.  I'm not sure if this is just a learned behavior over the last thirty or so years of my life-- but I rarely wake up feeling like the day is against me from the start.

However, my cheery attitude as of late is being tested, as each and every day is another obstacle.  Nothing that can't be handled, but you have to wonder why you deal with some of it at all.

I found this tonight:

“Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up.”-Unknown

The petty stuff is one thing, but the real stuff- the stuff you shake your head at and say "Why? No really, Why??" is what doesn't make sense.  For instance today's text message that a young man that I work with, twenty-two years old has suffered an aneurysm.  

Twenty- Two.  No one is immortal.

And those are the instances in life where I just want to scream at the sky and ask "Why???".  Why is this happening to someone who has so much life to live?  

I am not a religious person- although some might disagree with me because of a recent post titled, "Rest in Peace" where I quote a prayer often used in Catholic burials.  Yes, I was raised Catholic.  I went to church every Sunday until I was seventeen.  I have also heard that particular prayer more times than I can count.

Today I do not attend mass nearly as frequently.  I have a laundry list of "sins" that would surely forbid me from participating in church activities. Regardless of all that, I still find myself drawn to church to find my center.

This post is not intended to be about religion- but about the "Why".  

Why do things happen to good people?  

How does one thing make sense when something else doesn't?  

Sometimes, I just go to church to find resolution to my unanswered questions about life.  It's a quiet place when my world is too chaotic.  It allows me to have a one on one session with ME in order to sort out the animosity I could begin to feel if I didn't take a moment to sort recent events to a conclusion.

The recent instance I mentioned here about that young man, and other instances of life that have rang true over the last four weeks have FRIED me mentally.

I cannot remember another time where this many intense occurrences have happened at once.

The best advice I ever received was from my Grandma who always referred to her heart as her best intuition as to why things happen.  Not much may make sense at the time, but if the issue can be resolved in your heart- then the reasons behind in may show themselves with clarity.

Which leads me to a favorite quote- which my Grandma had hung in our kitchen.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -Reinhold Niebuhr

My thoughts are with the family of J.P. at this time.  It may not make sense now, but someday may it be resolved in your heart.

Good night.

The Truth

Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.  I had planned on saving this for another blog, but I figure no time like the present.

My ex lives in Central America. He went there after we separated, and has been there since 2009.  We met in 2004, quickly moved in together and got married in 2007.  As you can see from the short timeline, we were fast and furious with our relationship.

I hadn't spoken with him in a couple of months, so when he emailed me recently needing to talk, I was skeptical about the nature of the conversation.  He has always had a flare for the dramatic, so something small can be a big deal.

Overall, the conversation was pleasant as he caught me up on his life.  He let me know that he was trying to forgive everyone and everything.  It seems as though he has found peace that way.  In fact, after the divorce he would like to remain friends.

My ex had previously prided himself on never being friends with any "Ex", so I ask him why me.  Why would he spit all of that venom at me previously and still want to be my friend?

He replied,  "You're a good person.  You have always been a good person, probably the best thing that ever happened to me.  I just would like to keep you in my life somehow."

After that was out in the open, he decided to give me the latest update on him, and how he had chosen to commit himself to a Mental Institution because he had stopped sleeping, eating and overall living.  Do I believe him?  Overwhelmingly, yes.  He was at a critical point months ago, and when he was served the divorce papers, it became even worse.

What really got to me tonight was how he started to play the victim, so I wouldn't let him.  Instead, I reminded him of his indiscretions, his faults, how he had lied to me, and how that all contributed to the demise of our marriage.  I told him I knew- about the affairs, about the acts, about his trouble with the law-- all of it. Every single word.  Every single lie.  Every single lack of reasoning on his part that I was aware of.

You might think after reading that, "Wow, that's pretty heavy."-- and it is.  You see, this man was the one man that I believed in.  The one that I didn't think would do any of that to me after being wound so tightly that my heart wouldn't even let sunlight in.  Afterall, I MARRIED him right?

While I believed that honesty was the best policy, he chose to partake in deviant acts, lie about his income, taxes, past behaviors and previous marriage- all while making me feel like the smallest person in the world for not being a better wife. I was the breadwinner of the household, and really didn't feel like kissing, sucking or f@%king by the end of the day.  Yes, as some would tell me- a shot to the male ego.  Understandable, however- I was exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally.

My mother had lied to me my entire childhood.  I was so good at deciphering those lies that she told me to "spare my feelings", when in reality she was looking out for her own interests. Maybe it was her body language or avoidance of topics as they came up, but I could always tell if someone was being honest with me or not- sort of like a sixth sense.  The same patterns of behavior that I began to see in my ex after being together for a bit.

So, as our relationship progressed a couple of things happened.

• One, was that I was in love with someone who I thought was him, but really wasn't.  
• Two, even though there were PLENTY of warning signs, I believed that if we just got married, that it would fix everything- right!? 
• Three, I just got to the point that I didn't trust anymore that I began to doubt myself.  Was I not worthy enough to be with someone who wanted to be truthful with me?

Tonight, he opened up that third wound with a fierce intensity so great that the tears were impossible to hold back.  After all, I gave myself to him.  Admittedly, I don't give myself to ANYONE and here he was telling me that he wanted to forgive ME?!?  I couldn't stand it.  It was enough to hear his voice, and then tell him off about how he thought he was discreetly hiding his own lies, but for him to come after my heart and how I trust others-- it just sent me over the edge.

The hardest part about a breakup is rehabilitating your heart.  No matter how much I hate the sound of his voice or the sight of his emails, I'm still ripped apart.  He broke my heart in the worst way because I trusted him enough to let him have it.  I couldn't stop the tears once they began. He opened up the dam of my emotions.

There were some beautiful things about my ex, not all bad.  He acknowledged a few things tonight, that made me feel like he was human for a minute.  Afterall, he said that I had been the best thing that had ever happened to him.  He told me that after all this time, he will finally concede to what I want, and will give me a divorce because he loves me still.  He told me that all I had to do is say the word, and he would be back to try again if I wanted to.  All I could do or say were in the sounds of my tears.  I remained speechless for a couple of minutes just to muster a sound to let him know I was still on the phone.

My ex was not everything, but above all things- he was just a person that got me.  Yes, even though some of his acts were despicable he still found the very core of me.  He got the opportunity to see me in the rawest form, which is rare.  And however tempting the offer was of him coming back into my life again; no amount of money, riches or minerals could make me go back there.  It was a bittersweet place in my life that I don't see myself being in ever again.

You can say that I am tightly wound again.  So wound that only the tears let the pressure out.  My thought as a young girl was that you would get married for love.  I waited because I thought I was sure, but I failed.  I failed in finding the right person to take care of my heart. 

I wish that he knew the depth of what I've discovered about him.  I wish he could see how fragmented my heart has become.  I wish he could hear the tears that I am still crying now as I write this.  And the last thing I wish for is that he leaves my life just as peaceful as it was before he came in it.  I can't go back to zero, but perhaps I can start where I left off--  Tear free, head held high, hopeful for the best of whatever comes my way next.

Just tell me-- When will my heart stop aching?